Hello. My name is Mumpy. Ever since I was a pup, people would assume that I am depressed. Bartenders always ask me, “Hey dog, why the long face?” I have murdered 7 of them in their sleep.
The truth is, I am quite content with my existence. I have a lovely wife and an active sex life. I discovered 3 completely new smells just this week. My owner feeds me the wet dog food that tastes like steak. None of that Science Diet crap for me. Seriously, would you eat anything that said Science Diet as the brand? You don’t go into a restaurant and ask if the scientist has prepared any specials for the night. “Ah yes, we have a delightful assortment of protein pastes seasoned with amino acids and injected with genetically enhanced carbohydrates.” And don’t get me started on that fake bacon. We know the difference! That dog in the commercial was just an idiot. I murdered him with anthrax bacon.
I cannot help that my face resembles a look of sadness. I lack the muscles necessary to smile or look at peace. So people feel sorry for me. They make a strange baby voice and say, “Who’s the sad little doggy? Who is the sad little doggy?” Then they start playing with my jiggly jowls, forcing them up into a smile. Then they take my ears and stretch them out like wings. “Are you gonna fly? Are you gonna fly? Yes you are. Yes you are!” I’ve murdered 18 of those people by chewing through their break lines.
The point I’m trying to make here is… don’t assume dogs with sad faces are sad… or they might murder you.