“Whoa, you sure have lot of medals, sir.”
“Bah… it’s not quite so impressive. I’ve been in the military for 72 years. The medals tend to pile up after a few decades. I signed up when I was only sixteen. Back then I had fire in my blood. I was just itching to kill things and I wanted to avoid prison. The army seemed a good fit for my bloodthrist. Hey, why don’t you let me tell you what all these are for? I’m sure you’ll find this quite fascinating.”
"Of course, sir."
"This one here is my purple heart. I received it for getting my left nipple stabbed by a Korean. They tried to save the nipple, but it was too far gone.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, sir.”
"It’s not a big deal. A man can survive with one nipple. Though sometimes on a cold day I can still feel it perk up as if it is still there. Doc says I’ve got a phantom nipple."
"Can we stop talking about your nipple, sir?"
“Now this one is for bravery. I took out an enemy outpost with 50 men in it. I did it all with a Swiss army knife and a pointy stick.”
"You bet your ass it’s impressive. At first I couldn’t get the blade out of the knife so I had to use those tiny scissors to fend off 8 Nazis."
3 hours later…
“Now this one I got for rescuing a basket of kittens from Hitler’s “Kitten Gestapo.” Mean sumbitches they were. The Gestapo, not the kittens. The kittens were very pleasant. Well, one was a little bitey, but he was good-natured about it. I kept one of those kittens and named it Nancy after a prostitute I met in France. She gave me the clap. The prostitute, not the kitten.”
"Right, I have to go soon."
"This one was for excellence in mustachery. As you can see, I went with the walrus. You should really consider growing a mustache. You can save bits of food in there. When you are on a mission and out of rations that can really come in handy. Also a full bodied lip cover can give a girl a friendly tickle when you are licking her vag…"
"I think I hear my leftenant calling."
"Nonsense. Now this one I got for passing a course on how to tie rope into different knots. I realize knots may not seem exciting to a young lad such as yourself, but I once saved a man’s life because of a one-sided overhand bend knot. Later that night he gave me a one-sided overhand bend as a thank you.”
The next day…
"…and finally… that’s why my penis appears to have a sort of zigzag to it."