thefrogman.me

Frogspring: Froggielarity Edition

An anonymous Italian writes…
May i ask you where you got that painfully familiar picture with the guy challenging electricity with a double dare? I am pretty sure it was taken just out my city: Catania, Italy. While you’re at it.. What thou think my froggielarity shall be?

It was just a random picture on the internet. It had no attribution I am afraid. But that ladder did look Italian. I saw some marinara smudged on it and it hit on my *wife.

As far as your Froggielarity goes…it is gobagool . It’s delicious, but don’t eat it…because then you won’t have any Froggielarity at all.

*Froggie has no wife. He is alone and desperate for boobs.

katisamazing writes…
Hello! I am here to inquire you about my froggielarity. Of course, I understand if you have too many requests and need to wait for the speak and spell to get to me.

Your Froggielarity is Godzilla. This is a really cool score. You can stomp on buildings, breathe fire, and pretty much terrorize everyone else’s Froggielarity. Just do me a favor and leave the Japanese tumblrs alone. They’ve been through enough and they are really tired due to running away from monsters constantly.

nerdbaitplus3 writes…
What’s my Froggielarity? :D

The Speak and Spell has spelled and spoken. Your Froggielarity is a mushroom. You may not be terribly excited about a fungus based score, but a mushroom is not that bad. You can make hippies hear colors, double the size of Mario, make a pizza super tasty…I’d be proud to have a score of mushroom myself.

wrappedcherry writes…
What’s my Froggielarity?

I’ve got bad news for you. I really hate giving bad news. But sometimes the job requires it. Your Froggielarity is crabs. I know they are itchy and kinda gross, but they are very treatable. Wait a second…the Speak and Spell is clarifying. Ohhhh. He meant the the other kind of crabs. Shwew. Sorry about that. Crabs is a cool score then. You have claws! Claws are awesome. The only downside is that your Froggielarity can only walk sideways.

Frogspring 16: Just find a nerd to do it for you

Did you know that male platypi have a spur on each of their back legs that release a paralytic poison? Be careful when selecting weirded out Australian wildlife for a pet. I mean, emus and kangaroos can’t even walk backwards.

Actually, I was aware of this. I am an amateur platypus enthusiast. Something that weird, I must know all of its secrets.

wazzap homey?

Not much home skillet.

If you were a girl for just one day (ok, maybe two) what would you do? ps: just contemplate your brand new boobies all day is not an option!

Well, you took my first answer. I guess for the first hour or so I would do some vaginal exploration. That thing is a like a puzzle box of genitalia. It has confused men for ages. I would learn all of its secrets and report back to the men folk everything I discovered. After that, I would probably go to lesbian bars and try to pick up women.

Thank you for dedicating your time to make us laugh. It goes to show how selfless and caring you are. Your blog always cheers me up when I’m in a funk.

Before I had this blog I was going nuts trying to find something to do with my time. I can’t work in the traditional sense. I can’t go out and explore the world. So I was stuck watching movies and playing video games. But once I started blogging I felt like I was finally doing something with a little purpose to it. I feel like my life isn’t just wasting away until they figure out how to make me better. It is the best thing I have ever done and I’m extremely passionate about it. I want it to be the best it can possibly be. When I get comments like yours I feel validated. Even though it is small…I am making a difference. I’m making people smile. That’s an awesome feeling.

Why of all animals, a frog?

You make it sound like I made a bad choice. Don’t knock frogs. Frogs are badass. For one thing, we hop from place to place. That’s so much more fun than walking. Our feet stick to stuff like Spider-man. Have you never wanted to hang upside down from the ceiling? Climb a tall tree? Hide in the light fixture of a woman’s locker room?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck?

I think this is the question people ask on these things when they can’t think of an actual question. I’ve gotten this like 3 times before. But, I will answer your question in case you actually need to know for school or something. The answer is…

7

You crack me up! I do have a question actually: How did you add all this extra stuff on the side of your Tumblr page? You make mine look terrible! ;) Nice to meet you froggy

This is a tough one to explain. The first thing you need is a theme with a sidebar. All the stuff in my sidebar I created myself. I uploaded the images to a web host and copied the urls. Then I found the section of my custom HTML that pertained to the sidebar and put in the img src and a href information. Now if you didn’t understand any of that and have no clue what I’m talking about…I suggest you start googling HTML basics OR find your nerdiest friend and have them help you.

Frogspring 15: The “No seriously, I’m taking the day off” edition.

Day off I said? Okay, after this…no more blogging today.

Holy shit are those guns on your back wall? Remind me never to piss you off.

No need to worry. That is, unless you fear getting welts on your butt. See this Frogspring for details. Scroll down, it’s right after the duck poem.

frog hot stuff… are you single and straight?

Yes and yes. I likes the boobies and the vaginas and I am quite the single frog. I like long hops on the beach, opera, and cuddling by the fire. All interested parties of the opposite sex can send me a short essay on why they want some frog lovin’…along with pictures of their boobs…to…

boobs@thefrogman.me

And yes, I created that address for real. Muhahahaha!

When I read the blog you wrote about your condition, it made me cry. I’m so thankful that you spend your time making us laugh and smile, and I admire the fact that you keep pressing on…

No need to cry over me. I do okay. The best thing you can do for me is keep laughing at all the crap I think up. That’s the best fuel for keeping me going that there is. I’m hopeful that in a year or two there will be some treatments that will improve my situation. So let’s all be patient and wait for them doctors to whip me up a batch of pep.

My toothbrush magically disappeared from my bathroom. Did gremlins take it?

No, I’m afraid someone was in desperate need of a toothbrush to appease their bat.

If you could be any other creature, now or extinct, what would you be?

The stegochickensaurus, of course.

Frogspring 14: Alternate Reality!

A hot dog enthusiast asks…

You have, at various times, said that you feel like crap on a stick. Can you explain the difference between feeling like crap and feeling like crap on a stick? Is it better or worse? For example, I like hot dogs, but I LOVE Hot Dog on a Stick even more, just so long as you don’t put ketchup on it. Dirty Harry is right, no one puts ketchup on a hot dog.

Well, there is normal crap, which is unpleasant on its own, but crap on a stick means that it was so foul that you dare only touch it with a stick. But crap is the exception that proves the rule. Pretty much everything else, when put on a stick, is improved by a factor of 4. Hot dogs, corn dogs, rock candy, Nazis…all much better on a stick. I admit, I do like ketchup on my hot dogs and Nazis, so maybe don’t tell Harry that, k?

testquestion

testanswer

Fuck dude, your site is pretty epic. =)

Fuck dude, thanks!

How old are you?

I’m 28 but I feel like I am 132.

Who won the caption contest?

The lovely Goops! She is somewhat new on my radar, but I’m very impressed with her posts so far. Also, she has wicked cool spectacles. Here is the pic and winning caption.

“I find this Ewok’s lack of eyeballs disturbing.”

Watching TV this morning I noticed something, Why the fuck did The Flintstones celebrate Christmas?

Analyzing Flinstones plot holes can be dangerous, man. If you think about them too much, you will end up not sleeping at night. The lack of sleep will cause insanity and the next thing you know you’ll end up in a padded room banging your head against the cushioned walls. Just to help you move on and give you some closure, I will fabricate a scenario to close the plot hole and satisfy your brain.

Quantum physics states that there are an infinite number of realities. Some are very close to this one, some are very different. The Flintstones actually take place in an alternate reality in which Christ was born 400 years previous to the series. When you see the date as 10,000 B.C. they are actually referring to the year crackers were invented. The Flinstones took place approximately 10,000 years Before Crackers. Okie doke?

I heard that they want to remove the B.C. and A.D. from the calenders. What do those initials stand for any way?

Wow. That is a crazy coincidence. For the answer to this, we must venture back into our reality. B.C., of course, means “Before Christ.” Unfortunately that is not perfectly accurate as Jesus may have been born as much as 18 years before he was born. But that’s just nitpicking.

For A.D. we must open our Latin text books to page 34. It stands for “Anno Domini” which is the abbreviated form of “Anno Domini Nostri Iesu Christi.” So when you convert all that to English you get “In the year of our Lord, Jesus Christ.” A.D. is a bit snappier.

What is the difference between a duck?

How about in the next frogspring you add on the second half of that question.

If i kiss you will you turn into a prince?

There was a problem with my Prince conversion forms. I accidentally checked the box for “Duke” instead. But hey, a Duke is nothing to sneeze at, right? And if you don’t want to kiss me, you can tickle me and I turn into a Count.

afternoonsnoozebutton writes…

Magic is so much more probable than downward acceleration at the rate of 9.5 m/sec^2 (gravity). Oh, and call me Hannah, since I don’t have a catchy name like Froggie (I’m definitely jealous).

Well, until I see a formula that shows how a rabbit gets pulled out of a hat, I’m sticking to my guns that magic keeps us stuck to the ground.

I could try to help you come up with a catchy name. Let me brainstorm here.

Snoozy? Buttons? Nooner? No…Nooner would be bad. Umm…how about I call you Hannah? That sounds reasonably catchy. Hello Hannah :)

Frogspring 14: Old Blue Eyes

Your favourite thing about being a comedian.

It’s probably a generic answer, but I love making people laugh. It’s like crack to me. It’s mutually beneficial. They get to laugh, and I get to enjoy making them laugh. It’s a weird combo of selfish selflessness.

When and how did you realise you had the comedy “gift”?

It was 8th grade Algebra. The teacher was this man-woman thing called Mrs. Kennedy. Her facial hair and adam’s apple mixed with her boobs and skirt confused us all. Anyway, one day something silly popped into my head and I blurted it out without thinking. To my surprise, the whole class laughed. More importantly, the girl sitting near me laughed. Let’s call her Jamie. I had a crush on Jamie at the time. To this day I don’t think she knows this. As more silly things popped in my head, I kept saying them out loud. And Jamie kept on laughing at them. It was at this time that my 8th grade brain discovered, “Hey, I can make pretty girls laugh! That might come in handy.” At that moment I realized that I wanted to spend my life making people laugh. And I owe it all to Jamie and a giant man-woman algebra teacher.

Favourite thing about the State you live in.

We have the world’s largest croquet wicket.

Can I also be popular in the Bear community?

Well, that depends on which Bear community you seek attention from. If it is the manly hairy man community, then in order to be popular you’d need to have a similar appearance to this…

I bet that guy knows how to fix stuff. He looks handy. I bet he has his own tools and everything. That right there looks like a guy with a nail gun. What was I saying? Oh…if it is the other bear community you wish to be popular in. Then all you need do is cover yourself in honey. Then start running through the forest and they’ll be there, patiently waiting for your dumbass.

Are you on a boat?

I am.

What are you planning on doing to make the 10s decade better than the 00s?

I’m not really sure. I really like cereal. I guess I could eat more cereal. I like pie too. Perhaps I’ll invent some sort of cereal pie.

Favourite film star, male and female.

I had to really think about this one. There are many actors that have been impressing me. Robert Downey Jr. definitely gets some kudos. But the two people that have impressed me on a consistent basis would be…

Hugh Laurie is just awesome. Starting out with his early comedy days in the UK to his role as House, he has always just knocked it out of the park. I would watch this guy read a phone book and enjoy it.

Kristen Bell was in one of my favorite shows of all time. Veronica Mars. She owned that role. She was funny, smart, witty, strong, sexy and a bunch of other adjectives. But she wove all of these elements into one seamless character. Not only that, but she is quite the singer too. (See Reefer Madness) If she can accomplish such an acting feat at such a young age, I am excited to see how she progresses as an actress. That is, if people cast her in roles that actually use her talents. Which is looking kinda unlikely at the moment. Perhaps when she is older.

Favourite film.

If you go by the movie I have seen the most times, it is probably Empire Strikes Back.

But I’m also very fond of Swingers, Pulp Fiction, Die Hard, Star Trek, and Scent of a Woman. As far as comedy goes, Monty Python and the Holy Grail for sure.

Favourite book.

The truth is, I’m not much of a reader. I know it is unforgivable for an intellectual to say such a thing, but it’s not my fault. I’ve always consumed knowledge through audio and real life experience. Learning by doing, if you will. My brain is very skewed in this way. Visual information, even if I concentrate intently, just doesn’t seem to stick in my brain. Reading for long periods of time usually ends up frustrating me. I forget what I just read, I go back and reread it, and then I forget some more and eventually I just throw the book against the wall. When I was in school, I just sat and listened to the lessons and got A’s on all my tests. People were always curious as to how I did this without taking a single note in class. I didn’t really study either. I just listened and things stuck in my brain. I suppose at some point I should do the whole audio book thing. I just haven’t gotten around to it. I make this New Year’s Resolution. I will get Everyone Poops in audio book form.

I would like you to create a picture depicting the world you wished we lived in.

This is honestly one of the worst photoshops I’ve ever done. I wasn’t feeling well and to do it properly would have taken hours. BUT…I think it gets the point across.

Can you write me a poem written by a Jewish duck wishing he could celebrate Christmas?

The poem is written but it needs some polish. Then I have to record the audio version. I shall release it sometime before Christmas.

Dear Frogman! I had a scary dream last night. Any tips on how I can get back to sleep, safe and sound?

Well, whatever you do, don’t look at this picture.

Did you know your eyes are VERY blue? I didn’t.

That is news to me as well!

I wonder what I would look like with blue eyes.

First off, Thanks for the follow frogman!

You’re very welcome. I will follow anyone who asks. To me, that shows an effort to participate, which is what I value most in followers.

Second off, Is that really your cat in the proceed picture? If so, he/she is really cute looking!

You mean, this cat?

Cute? Really? I’m getting more of a “I’ve been plotting your death” vibe. But to each his own. I’m afraid I don’t own any pets. Ever since I killed two goldfish the very same day I bought them, I haven’t been trusted to care for any lifeforms. I’d love to have a kitty though. Maybe one that isn’t quite so…evil. I’d rather have this one.

Ecaaaa!! Fuck with me?

Ecaaaa!! Buy me dinner first!

Frogspring 13: The longest Frogspring in the history of time and space!

A duck enthusiast writes…
Of course, I should have requested this earlier but I’m afraid some duck poetry is in order. Riding horses this time! And with a happy ending! I guess I like ducks.

Leroy the Duck Jockey
by Froggie Von Froggerson

(Audio version below)
Now I’ve seen all kinds of jockeys in my time
But there is one in particular that sticks in my mind
For this was no ordinary rider of a horse
I speak of Leroy the Duck Jockey, of course
He was a fierce rider and light as a feather
He would ride fearlessly…rain, shine, or any kind of weather

Now Leroy the Duck was undefeated for a span
That is until Harold the Badger spoiled his plan
Harold rode dirty, bumping and kicking as the horses rode round
And with a forceful push, Harold knocked Leroy to the ground
Leroy lost that day, but he did not admit defeat
He vowed revenge when the two next would meet

The day was near, Leroy prepared for this badger’s worst
He had practiced weeks on end and had memorized this course
He held on tight, prepared for any shove
He and his horse Daisy fit like a glove
The gun fired off and they sped off like thunder
Harold the Badger aimed to take Leroy down under

The final lap came and they were neck and neck
Harold tried to bump Leroy, but could only manage a peck
Head to head and tail to tail
Leroy spurred his horse, he could not fail
Harold grew angry and kicked with all his might
It broke Leroy’s wing, but he shook it off with the end in sight

The horses galloped, panting heavily with every stride
As if they knew the meaning of this fateful ride
Closer and closer the finish came
Victory was in their eyes, with all its glory and fame
The badger made a last attempt to throw this bird from his saddle
But instead he lost his balance ending his chances to win this battle

The mighty duck jockey crossed the line, broken wing and all
The badger laid on the ground, devastated from his fall
For today good has triumphed and evil lay in the muck
Today is victory, for the honorable Leroy the Duck.

A letter “Z” enthusiast writes…
frogman I did not know you had a formspring!!! :D btw HATE THE GREMLIN ON YOUR PAGE!!! how am I meant to catch up on your amazing posts when Im being stared at by pure evil!!?!? BAHHHHHH I also think its tres cute that your mum is on here! and I love your photoshop skillz! MADRAD SKILLZ and ting. ok I’ll shut up now! LATERZ

Wow. I’ve never seen ADD in written form before. That was awesome. Let’s see if I can break this down.

frogman I did not know you had a formspring!!!
Yes, I do have a formspring, but I have cleverly named it “Frogspring.” Get it? Every Monday I will post a cool new graphic like so…

Then I request that all my lovely followers click it and ask me questions. I’ll stare at my inbox for awhile and watch as no one asks me any questions. I’ll get frustrated and threaten them in some manner. Then a few people will ask me questions and on Friday Saturday I will post my wit filled responses in which no one will read.

btw HATE THE GREMLIN ON YOUR PAGE!!!
You don’t like this gremlin?

Well the gremlin isn’t fond of you either. But that’s okay because he’s a gremlin and that’s kind of his job. If he bothers you too much, I suggest putting a little piece of tape over where he is on your screen. Don’t use scotch tape, cuz then he’ll just be evilly staring at you while slightly blurry.

I also think its tres cute that your mum is on here!
Yeah, my mom is the best. When I first started out this here blag, I was a little down about my tumblarity. Then she was like, “What’s that?” I explained it to her and then she said that she wanted to heart all my posts. I told her she’d have to have a tTumblr to do that. I wasn’t expecting her to say, “Okay!” So I set it up, taught her how to use it, and she hearts all my posts and reblogs her favorites. I got a little shit for my mom being on tumblr, but I love my mom…so I can take it.

I love your photoshop skillz!
Yes, knowing photoshop helps a lot. It gives me a bit of an edge over other humor blogs I think. Plus, not many people know this, but knowing Photoshop allows you to do much evil. For instance, I have a friend named Shane. I thought, “I wonder what Shane would look like as a kangaroo.” And because of the magical powers of Photoshop…wallah…the Shanegaroo!

The lovely Ms. Rex asks…
What’s your real name Froggie?

My real name? I don’t want to let you down, but I think that internet anonymity is very important in this day and age. A person’s real name is a sacred fact, and if it were to get out, all kinds of havoc could follow. I could be subject to identity theft, stalkers, internet predators, scam artists, and hackers. No, I’m afraid I cannot give you my name. I apologize for disappointing you, I really do…but it’s just not a request I can grant.

I take it back. I found your real name :D WIN

SON OF A BITCH!

Well, I guess the frog’s out of the bag. My real name is Ben Grelle. My last name rhymes with belly and I like it when the ladies call me Benjamin.

So I am pretty sure I have been naughty this year. If you were to give me a gift what would it be and why?

Well, I suppose that depends on what kind of naughty you have been. If you have been procuring nuclear weapons and selling them to extremists, then I’d probably give you a fruit cake. Because fruit cakes are awful and should only be given to the evil.

If your naughtiness was more in the manner of, say, tearing the tags off pillows, then I would give you a gift certificate to Red Lobster. Because you deserve a hardy meal for taking it to “the man.”

And if your naughtiness involved a tight leather catsuit and a whip, then I would give you pretty much anything you wanted even if I had to sell nuclear arms to get it.

Anonymous Smith asks…
Dear Froggie Santa, Last Christmas my girlfriend gave me the clap. She said she got it from the “toilet seat”. I can’t find this store anywhere. I need to get her something really special this year. Do you have any suggestions?

First I would get her some lovely gift wrapped broad spectrum antibiotics. If she asks what they are, just say they are a third generation synthetic chemotherapeutic agent. Then her eyes will cross, her brain will freeze, and she will have forgotten her question. As for her main present, I would get her a lovely watch. After you purchase this watch, stop by your local spy gadget shop and have them install a GPS tracker. This way you can stalk her online when she is out visiting other…toilet seats.

The Jetsons or the Flinstones?

I hate to break it to you, but they are in fact the same show. I can’t chose, because there is no choice. Yes, one is in the future and one is in the past, but the plotlines, characters, shenanigans were just two sides of the same coin. If I had to choose I would go Flinstones just cuz Dino was the coolest pet dinosaur ever.

After announcing that anyone who did not ask me a question was an evil robot spy…

I am an evil robot spy.

Well you’re not supposed to come out and say it. Were you programmed by Microsoft or something? Are you running Windows Me? In any case, I have alerted the authorities. Please make sure all power cells are charged before you are taken in for questioning.

What do evil robot spies look like nowadays?

This.

Do you speak any other languages beside english and frogish? :)

I’m afraid I am one of those pesky monolinguals. I took Spanish in high school which was about as useless as assed chaps. I think I set a school record for getting a 24% in one of my Spanish classes. I had all the credits I needed to graduate and I was accepted into a college of my choosing. I figured that I could much better spend my time sleeping than learning Spanish. The only Spanish I know is “Me gusta el mono en la biblioteca” which roughly translates to “I like the monkey in the library.” And honestly, if you go to Mexico, that’s all you need to know.

(The Lemexican)

I don’t wanna be no evil robot spy. It’s a pirates life for me :]

You can’t choose to be one or the other. You are what you arrrrrrrrrr.

I’m not an evil robot spy. What is your quest?

First, that is exactly what an evil robot spy would say, so clearly you are an evil robot spy. As far as my quest…I seek the Holy Grail and sensible shoes that are comfortable yet fashionable. Oh and tTumblr domination. Because in the tumblrverse, there can be only one!

*chops off all followers’ heads*

Did you figure out your medicine drama? Xoxo

I’m afraid not. The medicine that might help relieve my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome isn’t an official treatment as of yet. Because of this, my insurance company doesn’t have to approve it. A 6 month course of treatment would cost $16,000 and there is no way that me or my family could afford that. So it looks like I have to wait until it is an approved treatment. It could take years for that to happen, but there is a small comfort knowing that there is something out there that could help me. Something that has been quantified scientifically and not just some anecdotal treatment that people on message boards said has helped.

Could you tighten my evil robot spy screws, in the back there, they’re very hard to get at…also, i love my duck poem :)

For the love of God, you just told me you’re a robot spy too. Covert espionage is supposed to be…well…covert. You all need to upgrade to Windows 7 already. Actually, you should really consider Linux. It’s very stable and fast. Sure, there aren’t any drivers for your optical circuits currently, but I have been assured that someone in Wichita that goes by the name “LinuxM3ister” is working very hard on them and should be done in 3 to 4 months…tops.

I’m glad you liked your duck poem. They are my specialty after all.

Hey frogman where does most of your inspiration come from? I love the pictures you do!

Being a comedian, no one thing can inspire you. The world around you is the inspiration. Everything you see, hear, smell, taste, and touch is potential for inspiration. You go about living your life and wait for some small moment, some random thing, to spark an idea in your head. You take that idea and ask yourself, “Can I make this funny? How can I make this funny? A picture, a poem, a paragraph?”

Now if you want to know who inspires me, then I’d have to list a plethora of people. I’ll give you the first 5 that come to mind. Steve Martin, Tina Fey, Eddie Izzard, Zach Galifianakis, and Stephen Colbert. The list could go on and on though. OH! And Monty Python! I have to list them.

Am I really the first person to ask you a question? Or have you just not answered any yet? (that’s what is says at the bottom of this page.)

Yes, you are the first person to ever ask me a question, besides those above you.

I’m just kidding of course. I choose to answer the questions I get on my blog instead of using the formspring mechanism. You can see all of my questions and answers by clicking the frogspring tag below or by clicking here.

WADAW

Umm. I don’t know what that means. I googled it. Apparently there is a Wadaw in Burma. And Burma is where Rambo fought in the last movie. Fun fact: Rambo only killed 1 person in the first movie. In the 4th movie he managed to kill 83. That’s progress!

Scene from “Rambo parte 5 : El Primero Mono Sangriento en la Biblioteca”
(English title: Rambo part 5: First Monkey Blood in the Library)

Frogspring 12 - The Search for Curly’s Gold

Someone asks in Portuguese…
Qualquer coisa? Então fale-me sobre qualquer coisa.

Which translated means…
Anything? So tell me about anything.

I see the Portuguese people have a habit of taking things very literally. Okay, I’ll tell you about the duckbilled platypus.

The duckbilled platypus or Ornithorhynchus Anatinus, has the bill of a duck, beaver-like fur, a venomous foot, and is the only mammal that lays eggs.

God conceived of the platypus directly after the creation of the marijuana plant. God always liked setting bushes on fire and in doing so, he inadvertently inhaled the fumes. Soon after, he was compelled to create the duckbilled platypus and eat Doritos.



GOD: Holy crap, what the hell is that thing?
JESUS: I’m not sure Dad, you came barging into my cloud, laughing like a mad diety, you called it a duckbilled plata-something and then you stole my stash of cheese doodles.
GOD: Did it just lay an egg?
JESUS: Yup.
GOD: Weird.

True story.

How do you add your other sites to your page such as facebook, myspace as your other haunts?

I believe you are talking about the items in my sidebar.



I’m afraid there isn’t a simple answer that I can give you here. Your tumblr theme has to have a sidebar in order for it to work. I’d need to take a look at your site and then I could give you better instruction from there. Feel free to email me at froggie@thefrogman.me with your info and I’ll take a look.

Hi, I am seeking out relationship advice. I have found that lately I have been attracting a lot more guys then I am used to and I am willing and open for a relationship but ALL of these guys I meet make it clear that they only want sex from me. What do I do?

I’m fairly certain Dr. Phil has given advice on this topic at some point, so the first thing I would do is find that advice, and do the exact opposite. A study was done a while back that showed that your typical male homosapien has a sexual thought about every 8 seconds. I wish I could debunk this, but it isn’t too far from the truth. Do a little thought experiment with me. Let your normal thoughts rumble around in your head but every 8 seconds think the word “boobs.” Congratulations… you are now thinking like a male. When us doods are at a younger stage in our life, we believe that because these thoughts are so dominant in our heads, that all we really want is sex. And we do want sex, that is undeniable, but the realization that we want and even need more than that tends to come at a later age. Though there are some guys who never have that epiphany and they end up dying alone. So here comes the advice.

First, don’t give in. If you want a relationship and all these guys want is sex, then these aren’t the guys for you. A little bit of patience is required. Patience is hard, and you may falter. You may have to suffer through a few losers before you find what is right for you.

Another thing you should do is take note of the environment in which you meet these particular guys. You may find that if you change up your setting, you will find guys that have a less singular focus.

You may want to expand your age standards a bit. Don’t go crazy, keep it to a decade or so, but statistically I’d say older men are a tad more mature.

Seek and you shall find. There is this silly notion that the man must approach the woman. I say to hell with that. If there is a guy that you think might float your boat, put yourself out there. Rejection sucks, but regret sucks worse.

Don’t let nice guys finish last. Being one of the nice guys, I can’t tell you how annoying it is to watch my female friends going out with bad boys, tools, and losers. That initial attraction is powerful, but often that instinct is based more on our carnal selves than our logical selves. You want the attraction to have a mix of both. Try to play out the attraction in your head and make sure there is not just physical aspects to it, but mental as well. Usually when you are attracted on both levels, you have found yourself a nice guy.

My last bit of advice may be the hardest of all. This is a common piece of advice I’ve heard floated around from therapists and other smart folks alike. You need to be comfortable with yourself before you are ready to be with someone else. If you can find peace being by yourself, then you won’t lower your standards just because you fear being alone. This isn’t easy to accomplish. You need to make sure you have a good support system in place with family and friends. But I think that once you have the confidence to face the world on your own, you can pretty much do anything…including finding that special someone.

Let us see, let us see… The Munsters or The Adams Family?

Adams Family…no question. The Munsters was a gimmicky sitcom. The Adams Family was one of the first experiments in macabre black comedy…disguised as a gimmicky sitcom. The most brilliant part was that almost no one noticed. I think they were a huge inspiration for artists to attempt darker, more subversive styles of humor.



An idiot asks…
wtf

That’s your question? wtf? Well my answer is WTFBBQC3POR2D2OBGYNRTFM.



Well I was going to ask you to marry me, you know, as like a tumblarity ploy, but now that’s been done I really don’t know… write me a duck poem?

YES! Yes anonymous question asker, I will marry you. Wait..you want a duck poem instead? Fiiiine.



Frank the Duck
By Froggie Von Froggerson

Frank the duck was a curious bird
For he did not quack, instead he purred
You are not a cat, his friends all muttered
He would try to quack, yet a purr is all he uttered
The felines would hear this, and gather round
Their curiosity nearly killed them, as they heard this sound
You are a duck, not one of us
If you do not stop, we shall make a fuss
Frank tried to quack once more, but to no avail
His quest for quackitude was nothing but fail
He saught the wisdom of an elder duck
How do I stop this, am I out of luck?
Let me take a look down your bill he said
Perhaps the answer is in this piece of bread
It does seem stuck right where you quack
Let me smack you firmly upon your back
And with a swift hit from the elder’s mighty wing
The bread flew out and Frank could sing
He quacked and quacked until no more quacks could occur
And that was the day, Frank stopped his unatural purr

Why do you have guns hanging on your wall?



I want them handy in case of a zombie apocalypse. The question is, why don’t YOU have guns on your wall? Your brains are going to get eaten super quick.



Okay, confession time. They are Airsoft pistols. They are designed to look real, but they shoot green plastic BB’s. They sting like the dickens, but they won’t do much more than annoy zombies and give them welts on their necrotizing epidermis.

Kudos on your use of evil gremlins. :)

(frankisaurusrex close your eyes) You mean this guy?



Yes, a little easter egg on my tumblr page is the Gremlin at the top of the sidebar. If you click him, all hell breaks loose. Try to catch him if you can. Also feel free to scare your friends by gremlinizing their websites. Created by my very talented friend Kyle Hasegawa and myself, you can go to http://therebegremlins.com and reek havoc.

To see all duck poetry related material click here.