thefrogman.me

Frogspring 19: Better late than never

Do you think the guy at the rubbish tip has a bin in his office?

I bet you are British. Here we say landfill and trash can. But that is an interesting question. I’m guessing if he threw a half eaten burrito out his window, no one would notice. Another good question is…can you litter at a landfill? I think we need the philosoraptor to weigh in on this.

Beltane asks…
The meaning of life, the universe and everything is 42. What is its opposite number or the meaning of death the void and nothing?

One of Superman’s fiercest enemies, Darkseid, has been looking for that number for quite some time.

He calls it the “Anti-life equation.” It would allow him to void the universe and recreate it how he sees fit. I am the keeper of this equation and have sworn an oath to keep it a secret. But I’ll give you a hint…

guitarmanjb writes…
Not really a question, but I thought you’d appreciate this photo I shopped.

I’m going to make him an otter he can’t refuse.

If Apple comes out with a bigger ipad will they call it the maxi?

Yikes. I forgive you for this joke.

mr frogman, you are awesome :D do you design graphics, for other people? :) oh and, i thought you’d enjoy this cake. -gives you the cake. :3

First, yum. Caaaaake.

Second, I do design graphics for other people. Feel free to read the following about hiring me and e-mail me if you are still interested.

HIRE ME!

Frogspring 18: Magic Muffins

Anonymous and forgetful writes…
Frogman! I can’t remember the password to my gmail! I wanted to email you and ask how you were doing and whatnot but I can’t… I will when I crack the password!

Okay…person! These kinds of messages really suffer when they are anonymous. Maybe I can help you with some password suggestions.

• monkeyboobs
• 12345
• wombatjuice
• cactushump
• midgettossing
• password
• f;kaj93r24nk43859fqwfkj0421g

Give those a try!

ThatGuyChad writes…
So, I run FuckYeahJerseyShore, and just wanted to say that you blew all of the other Snookieshop’s out of the water. So, so good. -FYJS

Hey thanks! Don’t tell anyone, but I reused a joke about bacon and just replaced the bacon with Snooki. That will be our little secret.

I’m an avid follower of your blog, maybe I missed the explanation at some point in the past, but… why frogman? Where did the name come from?

This is what links were made for! All will be revealed if you click this…

MONKEYBOOBS!

Can we go hioop-corn hunting together it would be awesome. ill stroke you and feed you flys by the lakes edge :)

I assume you mean the rare hippopotacorn as depicted in the tshirt.

If you are an attractive female then you may stroke me all you wish, otherwise I’d rather just stick to high fives, firm handshakes, and terrorist fist bumps.

Hey Froggie, How is it you rock so hard? Are you on some kind of performance enhancing muffins?

Actually…I am!

Frogspring 17: The KoalaMan

I love you alot. I know that’s not a question and I apologize for this. But I do.

Aww. Well I love you too. I love all my followers in fact. Especially Alan Harris. He and I plan on being the first 2 straight men to marry each other. The anti-gay marriage folks are fine with straight marriage…so we are going to throw them a curve ball. They won’t be expecting two boob lovers to tie the knot. I’m just hoping Alan will wear the dress.

Who framed Jack Bauer on TV’s 24? SCREW RUPERT MURDOCH!

Which time? I’m pretty sure Jack has been framed 8 or 9 times by now. I think his daughter was kidnapped 12 times…once by a puma. He’s bitten off a terrorist’s ear, cut off a guy’s head, and he can travel from one side of LA to the other in about 2 commercial breaks. All reasons why I love 24.

As far as Rupert Murdoch goes…he’ll be dead soon. I’m pretty sure he is in his late hundreds.

Will you follow me?

Sure I will! Who are you?

Help! How do I get people (or any form of living creature) to follow me?

I’ll make you a deal. You write your best pitch of why people should follow you, and I’ll post it on my blog. Whether they follow you is up to them. How does that sound? Also, it helps if you tell me who you are.

I dont get it why a frog?

Because The KoalaMan didn’t seem macho enough. This might clear up the confusion. http://thefrogman.me/post/238294097/frogspring-1st-edition

Do you like coffee?

This is going to shock some of you, but I’ve never had coffee before. ARE YOU SHOCKED?? I used to “do the Dew” back in high school when the first throes of my fatigue were kicking in. To combat the tiredness I would drink maybe 10 Mountain Dews per day. Then that wasn’t enough. So I kicked it up a notch. I discovered this drink called Jolt Cola. I started pounding those, but it was still not enough to negate my sleepiness. And then I did something somewhat stupid. I started taking caffeine pills. They helped for a while, but I remember the day I realized I had taken things too far. It was the morning of my ACTs and I was super tired. I wanted to do well on the test so I took twice as many caffeine pills as I normally would. The whole test I was just dizzy out of my mind and couldn’t concentrate at all. After that day I pretty much swore off caffeine all together. At that point, I hadn’t tried coffee yet…and since I don’t drink caffeine anymore, I haven’t felt the urge to try it since.

What’s the story of your life so far?

I was born in a small pond in the north south section of Missouri. Me and my 200 brothers and sisters were orphaned when a deadly beaver killed our parents. We were tadpoles on our own in a strange pond. I didn’t think we were going to make it until we befriended a large mouth bass named Willy. Willy took us in and showed us the ropes. Where all the best tadpole food was…how to avoid suspicious dangling worms…things like that. Then one day I started to grow appendages and it was time to leave the swamp. Once my feet hit land I had only one goal in mind. I was going to assassinate that beaver that killed my parents. But how? I was just a little frog, no match for a beaver. Thankfully Missouri’s lax gun control policy allowed me to purchase a high powered rifle at Wal-Mart. I was armed and ready to hunt me some beaver, but which one? Beavers tend to look the same. Luckily there is one hazy detail I remembered about this murderous beaver that would help me in my search for revenge. This beaver had six claws on his left hand. I searched the wilderness of Missouri high and low until one day I found this homicidal beaver. I hopped right before him and said, “Hello, my name is The Frogman. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” The beaver then saw me brandish my rifle and with a tear in his eye he begged for his life. My heart then filled with mercy and I realized that my quest for vengeance was not the way. This beaver may have killed my parents, but killing him would make me no better than the evil I sought to extinguish. Unfortunately, I had left the safety off and accidentally shot the beaver in the face. A sort of accidental vengeance. I’m not sure how I feel about the events of that day, but I do know that I am now qualified to be the Vice President.

Frogspring: Froggielarity Edition

An anonymous Italian writes…
May i ask you where you got that painfully familiar picture with the guy challenging electricity with a double dare? I am pretty sure it was taken just out my city: Catania, Italy. While you’re at it.. What thou think my froggielarity shall be?

It was just a random picture on the internet. It had no attribution I am afraid. But that ladder did look Italian. I saw some marinara smudged on it and it hit on my *wife.

As far as your Froggielarity goes…it is gobagool . It’s delicious, but don’t eat it…because then you won’t have any Froggielarity at all.

*Froggie has no wife. He is alone and desperate for boobs.

katisamazing writes…
Hello! I am here to inquire you about my froggielarity. Of course, I understand if you have too many requests and need to wait for the speak and spell to get to me.

Your Froggielarity is Godzilla. This is a really cool score. You can stomp on buildings, breathe fire, and pretty much terrorize everyone else’s Froggielarity. Just do me a favor and leave the Japanese tumblrs alone. They’ve been through enough and they are really tired due to running away from monsters constantly.

nerdbaitplus3 writes…
What’s my Froggielarity? :D

The Speak and Spell has spelled and spoken. Your Froggielarity is a mushroom. You may not be terribly excited about a fungus based score, but a mushroom is not that bad. You can make hippies hear colors, double the size of Mario, make a pizza super tasty…I’d be proud to have a score of mushroom myself.

wrappedcherry writes…
What’s my Froggielarity?

I’ve got bad news for you. I really hate giving bad news. But sometimes the job requires it. Your Froggielarity is crabs. I know they are itchy and kinda gross, but they are very treatable. Wait a second…the Speak and Spell is clarifying. Ohhhh. He meant the the other kind of crabs. Shwew. Sorry about that. Crabs is a cool score then. You have claws! Claws are awesome. The only downside is that your Froggielarity can only walk sideways.

Frogspring 16: Just find a nerd to do it for you

Did you know that male platypi have a spur on each of their back legs that release a paralytic poison? Be careful when selecting weirded out Australian wildlife for a pet. I mean, emus and kangaroos can’t even walk backwards.

Actually, I was aware of this. I am an amateur platypus enthusiast. Something that weird, I must know all of its secrets.

wazzap homey?

Not much home skillet.

If you were a girl for just one day (ok, maybe two) what would you do? ps: just contemplate your brand new boobies all day is not an option!

Well, you took my first answer. I guess for the first hour or so I would do some vaginal exploration. That thing is a like a puzzle box of genitalia. It has confused men for ages. I would learn all of its secrets and report back to the men folk everything I discovered. After that, I would probably go to lesbian bars and try to pick up women.

Thank you for dedicating your time to make us laugh. It goes to show how selfless and caring you are. Your blog always cheers me up when I’m in a funk.

Before I had this blog I was going nuts trying to find something to do with my time. I can’t work in the traditional sense. I can’t go out and explore the world. So I was stuck watching movies and playing video games. But once I started blogging I felt like I was finally doing something with a little purpose to it. I feel like my life isn’t just wasting away until they figure out how to make me better. It is the best thing I have ever done and I’m extremely passionate about it. I want it to be the best it can possibly be. When I get comments like yours I feel validated. Even though it is small…I am making a difference. I’m making people smile. That’s an awesome feeling.

Why of all animals, a frog?

You make it sound like I made a bad choice. Don’t knock frogs. Frogs are badass. For one thing, we hop from place to place. That’s so much more fun than walking. Our feet stick to stuff like Spider-man. Have you never wanted to hang upside down from the ceiling? Climb a tall tree? Hide in the light fixture of a woman’s locker room?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck?

I think this is the question people ask on these things when they can’t think of an actual question. I’ve gotten this like 3 times before. But, I will answer your question in case you actually need to know for school or something. The answer is…

7

You crack me up! I do have a question actually: How did you add all this extra stuff on the side of your Tumblr page? You make mine look terrible! ;) Nice to meet you froggy

This is a tough one to explain. The first thing you need is a theme with a sidebar. All the stuff in my sidebar I created myself. I uploaded the images to a web host and copied the urls. Then I found the section of my custom HTML that pertained to the sidebar and put in the img src and a href information. Now if you didn’t understand any of that and have no clue what I’m talking about…I suggest you start googling HTML basics OR find your nerdiest friend and have them help you.

Frogspring 15: The “No seriously, I’m taking the day off” edition.

Day off I said? Okay, after this…no more blogging today.

Holy shit are those guns on your back wall? Remind me never to piss you off.

No need to worry. That is, unless you fear getting welts on your butt. See this Frogspring for details. Scroll down, it’s right after the duck poem.

frog hot stuff… are you single and straight?

Yes and yes. I likes the boobies and the vaginas and I am quite the single frog. I like long hops on the beach, opera, and cuddling by the fire. All interested parties of the opposite sex can send me a short essay on why they want some frog lovin’…along with pictures of their boobs…to…

boobs@thefrogman.me

And yes, I created that address for real. Muhahahaha!

When I read the blog you wrote about your condition, it made me cry. I’m so thankful that you spend your time making us laugh and smile, and I admire the fact that you keep pressing on…

No need to cry over me. I do okay. The best thing you can do for me is keep laughing at all the crap I think up. That’s the best fuel for keeping me going that there is. I’m hopeful that in a year or two there will be some treatments that will improve my situation. So let’s all be patient and wait for them doctors to whip me up a batch of pep.

My toothbrush magically disappeared from my bathroom. Did gremlins take it?

No, I’m afraid someone was in desperate need of a toothbrush to appease their bat.

If you could be any other creature, now or extinct, what would you be?

The stegochickensaurus, of course.

Frogspring 14: Alternate Reality!

A hot dog enthusiast asks…

You have, at various times, said that you feel like crap on a stick. Can you explain the difference between feeling like crap and feeling like crap on a stick? Is it better or worse? For example, I like hot dogs, but I LOVE Hot Dog on a Stick even more, just so long as you don’t put ketchup on it. Dirty Harry is right, no one puts ketchup on a hot dog.

Well, there is normal crap, which is unpleasant on its own, but crap on a stick means that it was so foul that you dare only touch it with a stick. But crap is the exception that proves the rule. Pretty much everything else, when put on a stick, is improved by a factor of 4. Hot dogs, corn dogs, rock candy, Nazis…all much better on a stick. I admit, I do like ketchup on my hot dogs and Nazis, so maybe don’t tell Harry that, k?

testquestion

testanswer

Fuck dude, your site is pretty epic. =)

Fuck dude, thanks!

How old are you?

I’m 28 but I feel like I am 132.

Who won the caption contest?

The lovely Goops! She is somewhat new on my radar, but I’m very impressed with her posts so far. Also, she has wicked cool spectacles. Here is the pic and winning caption.

“I find this Ewok’s lack of eyeballs disturbing.”

Watching TV this morning I noticed something, Why the fuck did The Flintstones celebrate Christmas?

Analyzing Flinstones plot holes can be dangerous, man. If you think about them too much, you will end up not sleeping at night. The lack of sleep will cause insanity and the next thing you know you’ll end up in a padded room banging your head against the cushioned walls. Just to help you move on and give you some closure, I will fabricate a scenario to close the plot hole and satisfy your brain.

Quantum physics states that there are an infinite number of realities. Some are very close to this one, some are very different. The Flintstones actually take place in an alternate reality in which Christ was born 400 years previous to the series. When you see the date as 10,000 B.C. they are actually referring to the year crackers were invented. The Flinstones took place approximately 10,000 years Before Crackers. Okie doke?

I heard that they want to remove the B.C. and A.D. from the calenders. What do those initials stand for any way?

Wow. That is a crazy coincidence. For the answer to this, we must venture back into our reality. B.C., of course, means “Before Christ.” Unfortunately that is not perfectly accurate as Jesus may have been born as much as 18 years before he was born. But that’s just nitpicking.

For A.D. we must open our Latin text books to page 34. It stands for “Anno Domini” which is the abbreviated form of “Anno Domini Nostri Iesu Christi.” So when you convert all that to English you get “In the year of our Lord, Jesus Christ.” A.D. is a bit snappier.

What is the difference between a duck?

How about in the next frogspring you add on the second half of that question.

If i kiss you will you turn into a prince?

There was a problem with my Prince conversion forms. I accidentally checked the box for “Duke” instead. But hey, a Duke is nothing to sneeze at, right? And if you don’t want to kiss me, you can tickle me and I turn into a Count.

afternoonsnoozebutton writes…

Magic is so much more probable than downward acceleration at the rate of 9.5 m/sec^2 (gravity). Oh, and call me Hannah, since I don’t have a catchy name like Froggie (I’m definitely jealous).

Well, until I see a formula that shows how a rabbit gets pulled out of a hat, I’m sticking to my guns that magic keeps us stuck to the ground.

I could try to help you come up with a catchy name. Let me brainstorm here.

Snoozy? Buttons? Nooner? No…Nooner would be bad. Umm…how about I call you Hannah? That sounds reasonably catchy. Hello Hannah :)

Frogspring 14: Old Blue Eyes

Your favourite thing about being a comedian.

It’s probably a generic answer, but I love making people laugh. It’s like crack to me. It’s mutually beneficial. They get to laugh, and I get to enjoy making them laugh. It’s a weird combo of selfish selflessness.

When and how did you realise you had the comedy “gift”?

It was 8th grade Algebra. The teacher was this man-woman thing called Mrs. Kennedy. Her facial hair and adam’s apple mixed with her boobs and skirt confused us all. Anyway, one day something silly popped into my head and I blurted it out without thinking. To my surprise, the whole class laughed. More importantly, the girl sitting near me laughed. Let’s call her Jamie. I had a crush on Jamie at the time. To this day I don’t think she knows this. As more silly things popped in my head, I kept saying them out loud. And Jamie kept on laughing at them. It was at this time that my 8th grade brain discovered, “Hey, I can make pretty girls laugh! That might come in handy.” At that moment I realized that I wanted to spend my life making people laugh. And I owe it all to Jamie and a giant man-woman algebra teacher.

Favourite thing about the State you live in.

We have the world’s largest croquet wicket.

Can I also be popular in the Bear community?

Well, that depends on which Bear community you seek attention from. If it is the manly hairy man community, then in order to be popular you’d need to have a similar appearance to this…

I bet that guy knows how to fix stuff. He looks handy. I bet he has his own tools and everything. That right there looks like a guy with a nail gun. What was I saying? Oh…if it is the other bear community you wish to be popular in. Then all you need do is cover yourself in honey. Then start running through the forest and they’ll be there, patiently waiting for your dumbass.

Are you on a boat?

I am.

What are you planning on doing to make the 10s decade better than the 00s?

I’m not really sure. I really like cereal. I guess I could eat more cereal. I like pie too. Perhaps I’ll invent some sort of cereal pie.

Favourite film star, male and female.

I had to really think about this one. There are many actors that have been impressing me. Robert Downey Jr. definitely gets some kudos. But the two people that have impressed me on a consistent basis would be…

Hugh Laurie is just awesome. Starting out with his early comedy days in the UK to his role as House, he has always just knocked it out of the park. I would watch this guy read a phone book and enjoy it.

Kristen Bell was in one of my favorite shows of all time. Veronica Mars. She owned that role. She was funny, smart, witty, strong, sexy and a bunch of other adjectives. But she wove all of these elements into one seamless character. Not only that, but she is quite the singer too. (See Reefer Madness) If she can accomplish such an acting feat at such a young age, I am excited to see how she progresses as an actress. That is, if people cast her in roles that actually use her talents. Which is looking kinda unlikely at the moment. Perhaps when she is older.

Favourite film.

If you go by the movie I have seen the most times, it is probably Empire Strikes Back.

But I’m also very fond of Swingers, Pulp Fiction, Die Hard, Star Trek, and Scent of a Woman. As far as comedy goes, Monty Python and the Holy Grail for sure.

Favourite book.

The truth is, I’m not much of a reader. I know it is unforgivable for an intellectual to say such a thing, but it’s not my fault. I’ve always consumed knowledge through audio and real life experience. Learning by doing, if you will. My brain is very skewed in this way. Visual information, even if I concentrate intently, just doesn’t seem to stick in my brain. Reading for long periods of time usually ends up frustrating me. I forget what I just read, I go back and reread it, and then I forget some more and eventually I just throw the book against the wall. When I was in school, I just sat and listened to the lessons and got A’s on all my tests. People were always curious as to how I did this without taking a single note in class. I didn’t really study either. I just listened and things stuck in my brain. I suppose at some point I should do the whole audio book thing. I just haven’t gotten around to it. I make this New Year’s Resolution. I will get Everyone Poops in audio book form.

I would like you to create a picture depicting the world you wished we lived in.

This is honestly one of the worst photoshops I’ve ever done. I wasn’t feeling well and to do it properly would have taken hours. BUT…I think it gets the point across.

Can you write me a poem written by a Jewish duck wishing he could celebrate Christmas?

The poem is written but it needs some polish. Then I have to record the audio version. I shall release it sometime before Christmas.

Dear Frogman! I had a scary dream last night. Any tips on how I can get back to sleep, safe and sound?

Well, whatever you do, don’t look at this picture.

Did you know your eyes are VERY blue? I didn’t.

That is news to me as well!

I wonder what I would look like with blue eyes.

First off, Thanks for the follow frogman!

You’re very welcome. I will follow anyone who asks. To me, that shows an effort to participate, which is what I value most in followers.

Second off, Is that really your cat in the proceed picture? If so, he/she is really cute looking!

You mean, this cat?

Cute? Really? I’m getting more of a “I’ve been plotting your death” vibe. But to each his own. I’m afraid I don’t own any pets. Ever since I killed two goldfish the very same day I bought them, I haven’t been trusted to care for any lifeforms. I’d love to have a kitty though. Maybe one that isn’t quite so…evil. I’d rather have this one.

Ecaaaa!! Fuck with me?

Ecaaaa!! Buy me dinner first!

Frogspring 13: The longest Frogspring in the history of time and space!

A duck enthusiast writes…
Of course, I should have requested this earlier but I’m afraid some duck poetry is in order. Riding horses this time! And with a happy ending! I guess I like ducks.

Leroy the Duck Jockey
by Froggie Von Froggerson

(Audio version below)
Now I’ve seen all kinds of jockeys in my time
But there is one in particular that sticks in my mind
For this was no ordinary rider of a horse
I speak of Leroy the Duck Jockey, of course
He was a fierce rider and light as a feather
He would ride fearlessly…rain, shine, or any kind of weather

Now Leroy the Duck was undefeated for a span
That is until Harold the Badger spoiled his plan
Harold rode dirty, bumping and kicking as the horses rode round
And with a forceful push, Harold knocked Leroy to the ground
Leroy lost that day, but he did not admit defeat
He vowed revenge when the two next would meet

The day was near, Leroy prepared for this badger’s worst
He had practiced weeks on end and had memorized this course
He held on tight, prepared for any shove
He and his horse Daisy fit like a glove
The gun fired off and they sped off like thunder
Harold the Badger aimed to take Leroy down under

The final lap came and they were neck and neck
Harold tried to bump Leroy, but could only manage a peck
Head to head and tail to tail
Leroy spurred his horse, he could not fail
Harold grew angry and kicked with all his might
It broke Leroy’s wing, but he shook it off with the end in sight

The horses galloped, panting heavily with every stride
As if they knew the meaning of this fateful ride
Closer and closer the finish came
Victory was in their eyes, with all its glory and fame
The badger made a last attempt to throw this bird from his saddle
But instead he lost his balance ending his chances to win this battle

The mighty duck jockey crossed the line, broken wing and all
The badger laid on the ground, devastated from his fall
For today good has triumphed and evil lay in the muck
Today is victory, for the honorable Leroy the Duck.

A letter “Z” enthusiast writes…
frogman I did not know you had a formspring!!! :D btw HATE THE GREMLIN ON YOUR PAGE!!! how am I meant to catch up on your amazing posts when Im being stared at by pure evil!!?!? BAHHHHHH I also think its tres cute that your mum is on here! and I love your photoshop skillz! MADRAD SKILLZ and ting. ok I’ll shut up now! LATERZ

Wow. I’ve never seen ADD in written form before. That was awesome. Let’s see if I can break this down.

frogman I did not know you had a formspring!!!
Yes, I do have a formspring, but I have cleverly named it “Frogspring.” Get it? Every Monday I will post a cool new graphic like so…

Then I request that all my lovely followers click it and ask me questions. I’ll stare at my inbox for awhile and watch as no one asks me any questions. I’ll get frustrated and threaten them in some manner. Then a few people will ask me questions and on Friday Saturday I will post my wit filled responses in which no one will read.

btw HATE THE GREMLIN ON YOUR PAGE!!!
You don’t like this gremlin?

Well the gremlin isn’t fond of you either. But that’s okay because he’s a gremlin and that’s kind of his job. If he bothers you too much, I suggest putting a little piece of tape over where he is on your screen. Don’t use scotch tape, cuz then he’ll just be evilly staring at you while slightly blurry.

I also think its tres cute that your mum is on here!
Yeah, my mom is the best. When I first started out this here blag, I was a little down about my tumblarity. Then she was like, “What’s that?” I explained it to her and then she said that she wanted to heart all my posts. I told her she’d have to have a tTumblr to do that. I wasn’t expecting her to say, “Okay!” So I set it up, taught her how to use it, and she hearts all my posts and reblogs her favorites. I got a little shit for my mom being on tumblr, but I love my mom…so I can take it.

I love your photoshop skillz!
Yes, knowing photoshop helps a lot. It gives me a bit of an edge over other humor blogs I think. Plus, not many people know this, but knowing Photoshop allows you to do much evil. For instance, I have a friend named Shane. I thought, “I wonder what Shane would look like as a kangaroo.” And because of the magical powers of Photoshop…wallah…the Shanegaroo!

The lovely Ms. Rex asks…
What’s your real name Froggie?

My real name? I don’t want to let you down, but I think that internet anonymity is very important in this day and age. A person’s real name is a sacred fact, and if it were to get out, all kinds of havoc could follow. I could be subject to identity theft, stalkers, internet predators, scam artists, and hackers. No, I’m afraid I cannot give you my name. I apologize for disappointing you, I really do…but it’s just not a request I can grant.

I take it back. I found your real name :D WIN

SON OF A BITCH!

Well, I guess the frog’s out of the bag. My real name is Ben Grelle. My last name rhymes with belly and I like it when the ladies call me Benjamin.

So I am pretty sure I have been naughty this year. If you were to give me a gift what would it be and why?

Well, I suppose that depends on what kind of naughty you have been. If you have been procuring nuclear weapons and selling them to extremists, then I’d probably give you a fruit cake. Because fruit cakes are awful and should only be given to the evil.

If your naughtiness was more in the manner of, say, tearing the tags off pillows, then I would give you a gift certificate to Red Lobster. Because you deserve a hardy meal for taking it to “the man.”

And if your naughtiness involved a tight leather catsuit and a whip, then I would give you pretty much anything you wanted even if I had to sell nuclear arms to get it.

Anonymous Smith asks…
Dear Froggie Santa, Last Christmas my girlfriend gave me the clap. She said she got it from the “toilet seat”. I can’t find this store anywhere. I need to get her something really special this year. Do you have any suggestions?

First I would get her some lovely gift wrapped broad spectrum antibiotics. If she asks what they are, just say they are a third generation synthetic chemotherapeutic agent. Then her eyes will cross, her brain will freeze, and she will have forgotten her question. As for her main present, I would get her a lovely watch. After you purchase this watch, stop by your local spy gadget shop and have them install a GPS tracker. This way you can stalk her online when she is out visiting other…toilet seats.

The Jetsons or the Flinstones?

I hate to break it to you, but they are in fact the same show. I can’t chose, because there is no choice. Yes, one is in the future and one is in the past, but the plotlines, characters, shenanigans were just two sides of the same coin. If I had to choose I would go Flinstones just cuz Dino was the coolest pet dinosaur ever.

After announcing that anyone who did not ask me a question was an evil robot spy…

I am an evil robot spy.

Well you’re not supposed to come out and say it. Were you programmed by Microsoft or something? Are you running Windows Me? In any case, I have alerted the authorities. Please make sure all power cells are charged before you are taken in for questioning.

What do evil robot spies look like nowadays?

This.

Do you speak any other languages beside english and frogish? :)

I’m afraid I am one of those pesky monolinguals. I took Spanish in high school which was about as useless as assed chaps. I think I set a school record for getting a 24% in one of my Spanish classes. I had all the credits I needed to graduate and I was accepted into a college of my choosing. I figured that I could much better spend my time sleeping than learning Spanish. The only Spanish I know is “Me gusta el mono en la biblioteca” which roughly translates to “I like the monkey in the library.” And honestly, if you go to Mexico, that’s all you need to know.

(The Lemexican)

I don’t wanna be no evil robot spy. It’s a pirates life for me :]

You can’t choose to be one or the other. You are what you arrrrrrrrrr.

I’m not an evil robot spy. What is your quest?

First, that is exactly what an evil robot spy would say, so clearly you are an evil robot spy. As far as my quest…I seek the Holy Grail and sensible shoes that are comfortable yet fashionable. Oh and tTumblr domination. Because in the tumblrverse, there can be only one!

*chops off all followers’ heads*

Did you figure out your medicine drama? Xoxo

I’m afraid not. The medicine that might help relieve my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome isn’t an official treatment as of yet. Because of this, my insurance company doesn’t have to approve it. A 6 month course of treatment would cost $16,000 and there is no way that me or my family could afford that. So it looks like I have to wait until it is an approved treatment. It could take years for that to happen, but there is a small comfort knowing that there is something out there that could help me. Something that has been quantified scientifically and not just some anecdotal treatment that people on message boards said has helped.

Could you tighten my evil robot spy screws, in the back there, they’re very hard to get at…also, i love my duck poem :)

For the love of God, you just told me you’re a robot spy too. Covert espionage is supposed to be…well…covert. You all need to upgrade to Windows 7 already. Actually, you should really consider Linux. It’s very stable and fast. Sure, there aren’t any drivers for your optical circuits currently, but I have been assured that someone in Wichita that goes by the name “LinuxM3ister” is working very hard on them and should be done in 3 to 4 months…tops.

I’m glad you liked your duck poem. They are my specialty after all.

Hey frogman where does most of your inspiration come from? I love the pictures you do!

Being a comedian, no one thing can inspire you. The world around you is the inspiration. Everything you see, hear, smell, taste, and touch is potential for inspiration. You go about living your life and wait for some small moment, some random thing, to spark an idea in your head. You take that idea and ask yourself, “Can I make this funny? How can I make this funny? A picture, a poem, a paragraph?”

Now if you want to know who inspires me, then I’d have to list a plethora of people. I’ll give you the first 5 that come to mind. Steve Martin, Tina Fey, Eddie Izzard, Zach Galifianakis, and Stephen Colbert. The list could go on and on though. OH! And Monty Python! I have to list them.

Am I really the first person to ask you a question? Or have you just not answered any yet? (that’s what is says at the bottom of this page.)

Yes, you are the first person to ever ask me a question, besides those above you.

I’m just kidding of course. I choose to answer the questions I get on my blog instead of using the formspring mechanism. You can see all of my questions and answers by clicking the frogspring tag below or by clicking here.

WADAW

Umm. I don’t know what that means. I googled it. Apparently there is a Wadaw in Burma. And Burma is where Rambo fought in the last movie. Fun fact: Rambo only killed 1 person in the first movie. In the 4th movie he managed to kill 83. That’s progress!

Scene from “Rambo parte 5 : El Primero Mono Sangriento en la Biblioteca”
(English title: Rambo part 5: First Monkey Blood in the Library)

Frogspring 12 - The Search for Curly’s Gold

Someone asks in Portuguese…
Qualquer coisa? Então fale-me sobre qualquer coisa.

Which translated means…
Anything? So tell me about anything.

I see the Portuguese people have a habit of taking things very literally. Okay, I’ll tell you about the duckbilled platypus.

The duckbilled platypus or Ornithorhynchus Anatinus, has the bill of a duck, beaver-like fur, a venomous foot, and is the only mammal that lays eggs.

God conceived of the platypus directly after the creation of the marijuana plant. God always liked setting bushes on fire and in doing so, he inadvertently inhaled the fumes. Soon after, he was compelled to create the duckbilled platypus and eat Doritos.



GOD: Holy crap, what the hell is that thing?
JESUS: I’m not sure Dad, you came barging into my cloud, laughing like a mad diety, you called it a duckbilled plata-something and then you stole my stash of cheese doodles.
GOD: Did it just lay an egg?
JESUS: Yup.
GOD: Weird.

True story.

How do you add your other sites to your page such as facebook, myspace as your other haunts?

I believe you are talking about the items in my sidebar.



I’m afraid there isn’t a simple answer that I can give you here. Your tumblr theme has to have a sidebar in order for it to work. I’d need to take a look at your site and then I could give you better instruction from there. Feel free to email me at froggie@thefrogman.me with your info and I’ll take a look.

Hi, I am seeking out relationship advice. I have found that lately I have been attracting a lot more guys then I am used to and I am willing and open for a relationship but ALL of these guys I meet make it clear that they only want sex from me. What do I do?

I’m fairly certain Dr. Phil has given advice on this topic at some point, so the first thing I would do is find that advice, and do the exact opposite. A study was done a while back that showed that your typical male homosapien has a sexual thought about every 8 seconds. I wish I could debunk this, but it isn’t too far from the truth. Do a little thought experiment with me. Let your normal thoughts rumble around in your head but every 8 seconds think the word “boobs.” Congratulations… you are now thinking like a male. When us doods are at a younger stage in our life, we believe that because these thoughts are so dominant in our heads, that all we really want is sex. And we do want sex, that is undeniable, but the realization that we want and even need more than that tends to come at a later age. Though there are some guys who never have that epiphany and they end up dying alone. So here comes the advice.

First, don’t give in. If you want a relationship and all these guys want is sex, then these aren’t the guys for you. A little bit of patience is required. Patience is hard, and you may falter. You may have to suffer through a few losers before you find what is right for you.

Another thing you should do is take note of the environment in which you meet these particular guys. You may find that if you change up your setting, you will find guys that have a less singular focus.

You may want to expand your age standards a bit. Don’t go crazy, keep it to a decade or so, but statistically I’d say older men are a tad more mature.

Seek and you shall find. There is this silly notion that the man must approach the woman. I say to hell with that. If there is a guy that you think might float your boat, put yourself out there. Rejection sucks, but regret sucks worse.

Don’t let nice guys finish last. Being one of the nice guys, I can’t tell you how annoying it is to watch my female friends going out with bad boys, tools, and losers. That initial attraction is powerful, but often that instinct is based more on our carnal selves than our logical selves. You want the attraction to have a mix of both. Try to play out the attraction in your head and make sure there is not just physical aspects to it, but mental as well. Usually when you are attracted on both levels, you have found yourself a nice guy.

My last bit of advice may be the hardest of all. This is a common piece of advice I’ve heard floated around from therapists and other smart folks alike. You need to be comfortable with yourself before you are ready to be with someone else. If you can find peace being by yourself, then you won’t lower your standards just because you fear being alone. This isn’t easy to accomplish. You need to make sure you have a good support system in place with family and friends. But I think that once you have the confidence to face the world on your own, you can pretty much do anything…including finding that special someone.

Let us see, let us see… The Munsters or The Adams Family?

Adams Family…no question. The Munsters was a gimmicky sitcom. The Adams Family was one of the first experiments in macabre black comedy…disguised as a gimmicky sitcom. The most brilliant part was that almost no one noticed. I think they were a huge inspiration for artists to attempt darker, more subversive styles of humor.



An idiot asks…
wtf

That’s your question? wtf? Well my answer is WTFBBQC3POR2D2OBGYNRTFM.



Well I was going to ask you to marry me, you know, as like a tumblarity ploy, but now that’s been done I really don’t know… write me a duck poem?

YES! Yes anonymous question asker, I will marry you. Wait..you want a duck poem instead? Fiiiine.



Frank the Duck
By Froggie Von Froggerson

Frank the duck was a curious bird
For he did not quack, instead he purred
You are not a cat, his friends all muttered
He would try to quack, yet a purr is all he uttered
The felines would hear this, and gather round
Their curiosity nearly killed them, as they heard this sound
You are a duck, not one of us
If you do not stop, we shall make a fuss
Frank tried to quack once more, but to no avail
His quest for quackitude was nothing but fail
He saught the wisdom of an elder duck
How do I stop this, am I out of luck?
Let me take a look down your bill he said
Perhaps the answer is in this piece of bread
It does seem stuck right where you quack
Let me smack you firmly upon your back
And with a swift hit from the elder’s mighty wing
The bread flew out and Frank could sing
He quacked and quacked until no more quacks could occur
And that was the day, Frank stopped his unatural purr

Why do you have guns hanging on your wall?



I want them handy in case of a zombie apocalypse. The question is, why don’t YOU have guns on your wall? Your brains are going to get eaten super quick.



Okay, confession time. They are Airsoft pistols. They are designed to look real, but they shoot green plastic BB’s. They sting like the dickens, but they won’t do much more than annoy zombies and give them welts on their necrotizing epidermis.

Kudos on your use of evil gremlins. :)

(frankisaurusrex close your eyes) You mean this guy?



Yes, a little easter egg on my tumblr page is the Gremlin at the top of the sidebar. If you click him, all hell breaks loose. Try to catch him if you can. Also feel free to scare your friends by gremlinizing their websites. Created by my very talented friend Kyle Hasegawa and myself, you can go to http://therebegremlins.com and reek havoc.

To see all duck poetry related material click here.

Frogspring 11: This might get corny

Are you single? girlfriend? tell me/us.

I am currently in a committed relationship with my left hand. I used to date the right hand, but the sex got boring and it was always nagging me to take it nice places. In all seriousness, I am a hopeless romantic all alone on this voyage through life. I am desperate to find a girl to give all this affection to. Someone to hold me when I’m lonely, to kiss me when I’m sad, to scratch my back because it feels nice…to do my taxes because I’m pretty sure I’m doing them wrong. Every year I write a check out to “Uncle Sam” for 5 dollars and send it to the IRS. Is there a girl out there for me? One who will accept my flaws? Who will be my muse? Who knows what a W-2 is? Who will have awesome boobs that I can play with whenever I want? I hope so.

TO thee I ask these questions three:

Question the first: What would the title and cover page of your autobiography be?



Question the Second: What would be your last meal be if you’re to be executed for treason (in space).

Well, if I’m in space I’m definitely going to have some tang. Then I would request a giant steak, wrapped in bacon, covered in cheese, wrapped again in bacon and topped with a pinch of paprika for taste. For a side…the bloomin’ onion of course. For dessert I would want rice krispie treats wrapped in bacon, covered in cheese, and wrapped in bacon again.

Question the third: Which musicians do you listen to and why?

Well, I am a guitarist and I studied classical voice for quite some time, so I tend to listen to things that impress me in those areas. My favorite guitarist is probably Steve Vai. I do not think there is a more technically proficient guitarist in the world right now.

My favorite musician is probably Eric Clapton. I tend to gravitate to his Cream days and I LOVE his vintage blues albums. Plus Eric Clapton Unplugged was a masterpiece.

Now we move on to Opera. I know it’s a bit cliche’ but I love Pavarotti. He had one of the fullest tenor voices I’ve ever heard and when he hits a high C, it sounds so powerful, yet effortless. The man smoked and drank and rarely rehearsed. They would wake him before a show, drag his ass on stage and he’d just be awesome. I recommend you all listen to his rendition of Nessun Dorma. Make sure you turn your speakers wayyyyy up.

A few honorable mentions go to Paul Robeson and Robert Johnson. It’s a bit sad that these two musicians were never recorded with more modern technology. Their music has been remastered and whatnot, but it does not do their talent justice.

Paul Robeson was a famous basso profundo. Translated that means “deep ass voice.” Barry White couldn’t touch this guy. He sang mostly old slave time spirituals and is most known for having the quintessential “Ol’ Man River.” Even with the poor recording equipment of that time, you can still hear how deep and rich and full his voice was. People are often impressed by the “high note”…but in this case, they would come to see how low Paul could go.

Robert Johnson is the stuff of legends. The tale goes as such. Johnson had a burning desire to become a great blues musician. He played the guitar, but he knew he just didn’t have the skills to make something of it. One night he went to a crossroads in Mississippi where he came upon a tall black man. This figure took out Johnson’s guitar, tuned it, and played a few songs that utterly amazed this poor plantation worker. The man told Johnson that he too could play like that…for a price. “I’d give anything” said Robert. “Even your soul” the man replied. Johnson couldn’t resist. His desire to be a living legend was worth more to him than his soul…so he made the deal with the devil. Ol’ Lucifer handed back the guitar and with it came the mastery of the Mississippi Delta Blues. Robert Johnson made only one album, recorded in one session. He faced the wall and played into a microphone that looked like an old tin can. It was just him and his guitar and he recorded the ultimate blues album. His music will continue to inspire musicians as long as there is music. He died mysteriously at the age of 27. A curious coincidence to be sure. Other artists who died at that age include Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, and Kurt Cobain. Robert Johnson’s most famous song is probably Crossroads which most of you may have heard Eric Clapton cover faithfully. The original recordings are rough, but if you can get past that, there is real genius in his music.

Oh, and Ralph Macchio did a movie called Crossroads about all this stuff, but there was no karate, so I couldn’t really get into it.



Also, you’re hilarious and your missing hobo poster was incredible.

I don’t see anything hilarious about a missing hobo. Crazy Pete is out there somewhere.

Are you made of corn?

Yes. Absolutely.



What kind of cookie?

I see what you did there. You used my offer of a cookie for a question against me. Clever. Well, for your efforts you get a warm delicious internet tracking cookie. Enjoy!

Why do you love frogs so much? I love frogs too, their amphibious qualities are pretty flipping awesome. I would like to live comfortably in both land and water.

I guess you are not buying me being an actual frog, huh? I wish I had a better answer to this. Something like, “A frog once saved my life from an evil vampire koala bear and I have been a faithful frog lover ever since.” Alas, the answer is a bit mundane. I just think frogs are cool. They hop everywhere, they have those feet that stick to anything, they have those trippy retracto tongues that snap in and out. Also, they are an essential part of those “Sounds of the Forest” CD’s that help put hipsters to sleep. And you know what? People are always afraid of snakes…but frogs are the ones to watch out for. The beautiful poison dart frog is likely the most venomous creature on earth. One little frog can easily kill 10 humans or 20,000 mice. My cousin Bernard is a dart frog and after eating some bad flies he went on a hamster killing rampage. Never before have so many hamster wheels been left unturned.

Frogspring 10: Is Gay Fairy redundant?

If a train is headed towards Phoenix at 65 mph, and another train is on the tracks in the opposite direction headed at 50 mph, why is my Dad gay?

While people on trains are more likely to be gay, I do not think that answers your root question as to why your dad is gay. As we all know, you are not born gay. At the age of 8, the Gay Fairy will visit you at night and you must challenge her to a cage fight. If you lose, she turns you gay. So why is your dad gay? Probably because the Gay Fairy got him in a sleeper hold.

Vogan Guard shouts..
resistance is useless !!

Resistance is futile actually. It is not useless. Misquoting the Borg seems grounds for instant assimilation. A cube will be around shortly to pick you up. I’ve told them to replace your anus with a robot rectum first thing. Good luck with that.



In regards to my lack of questions…
I bet if you paid in hooker chits you would get a better response.

I had to look this one up. I did not know what a chit was. The googles told me this

chit
–noun
1. a signed note for money owed for food, drink, etc.
2. any receipt, voucher, or similar document, esp. of an informal nature.
3. Chiefly British. a note; short memorandum.

So basically you are saying if I gave out hooker coupons I would get more questions to answer. I imagine so, but I fear the questions would be the text equivalent of getting a phone call with nothing but heavy breathing on the other end. No, I want a more intelligent discourse for these Q & A’s, which is why I will instead give out coupons to Wal-Mart.



Major Tom asks…
What do you think of frog pants?

The nice thing about being a frog is that it is socially acceptable to go pantsless and no one gives you any trouble. But in the colder months it is nice to have something in between your frog junk and the freezing winter air. That’s why I buy flannel pants from LL Bean for Frogs. Keeps my nuts toasty and the plaid really goes with my eyes.



thefrogmom asks…
How do you prepare a 20 lb. turkey? Stuffing optional!

Well, first things first. We’re gonna need a turkey. I like them fresh so I prefer to travel into the wilderness and acquire the turkey myself. Turkeys are a crafty bird. They don’t like being shot at and they try to avoid your attempts at doing so. That’s why I go armed with nothing but a turkey costume and blow darts. Now this technique is not without danger. I have personally been shot 4 times by unknowing hunters and a vice president. Once you are costumed you must become one with the turkeys to gain their trust. You cannot simply imitate a turkey, you must be a turkey. When you gobble, you better mean it, or else you’ll find yourself in the middle of a pack of angry turkeys. They will not hesitate to kill an imposter. The trick is to gobble your way into their good graces, lure one away from the rest, and shoot him with a paralyzing dart. You have now completed phase 1.

The next step is killing the turkey and disposing of those innards you do not wish to dine upon. Now this has traditionally been the most unpleasant part of the process, but I have discovered a trick that will make this task much easier. First, you must attain the turkey’s driver’s license. On the back where it asks if he wants to be an organ donor…check that box. Now you must kill the turkey and make it look like an accident. I recommend the classic “falling down the stairs.” Once dead, the organ transplant team will snap into action, take out all of the innards for you, and give you the turkey back to make arrangements for the body. Protip: Do not tell them you plan to eat the turkey. Phase 2 complete.

Phase 3: Cooking the turkey. This step is the easiest. Just hand the turkey to your mother and go watch football. It will magically cook itself in a matter of hours and be super delicious.



Auriga asks…
After watching Wizard of OZ, I ask.. what would you do with a brain if you had one? (grin, duck, and run!)

Well, I believe trafficking organs is illegal. I suppose if I came upon a brain I would report it to the authorities. If they decided that I could keep the brain, I would probably poke it and stuff.

Single By Choice asks…
What does pirate frog say…..? Not arhhgggg.

No, it’s more of an arrrrrrrribbit. And we still use your basic pirate vernacular. Avast. Ahoy. Scalawags and neerdowells. Wenches and me matey.

Ah, me leg done fell plum off. It must be the scurvy!

There be no wenches here, let me stick it in yer bum mate. I can’t lower me bloomer cannon and I needs to fire me balls off.

Ya know, stuff like that.



Curious George asks…
Have you ever had or heard of refried bacon?

I have not. I feel maybe you should just fry it correctly the first time around.

How excellent is it?

Bacon? Do you even need to ask?

Who would win in a fight, the world’s most excellent kitten or Batman?

Neither would win. Batman would never hurt a kitty. Batman would defend himself until the kitty got tired and needed a nap. Then he would restrain him with kitty batcuffs and find a proper home for the little guy.



What would Obama look like if he went as Catwoman on Halloween?

I suppose he would look like this…



I have a burning question.. Will penicillin get rid of it?

I’m afraid penicillin will not get rid of questions burning or otherwise. In fact, nothing can get rid of an asked question short of time travel. Luckily you can buy yourself a time machine on eBay and prevent yourself from asking this question in the first place.

Frogspring 9th Edition - Getting Ticked

Dear Frogman,

My girl won’t stop bugging me to get a job. What should I do?

Sincerely yours,
That Lazy Dude Down the Street

You have a few options. The easiest of which is to get a job. But if you want to put in the extra effort and stay unemployed while keeping your girlfriend happy, this is what you do.

Step 1 is to tell your girlfriend you got a job, even though you didn’t. Now in order for this ruse to work without her nagging you and asking questions, you are going to need to find some other place to be 8 hours of the day, appear to have an income, and make sure that she does not try to visit you at work.

Where do I go for 8 hours?
This is easy. Head to your closest movie theater, buy 1 ticket and you can just sneak into different movies all day.

How do I earn income without a job?
Luckily, being a male you have valuable fluids right there in your body. Donate sperm and blood for some easy coin. Sure you might end up having 40 kids you’ll never know, but hey, you also have 100 bucks! Another great source of money is medical testing. Sign up for anything you can. Chances are you won’t have any side effects, but if you grow a third arm, they can always cut that off.

How do I keep her from visiting me at work?
This is a tricky one. You must pick an occupation that she would never visit. Taxidermist’s assistant usually does the trick. If she says she might stop by, just say, “Honey, I’ve got beaver with his internal organs exposed at the moment” and she will quickly resend her offer.

Now pulling off this ruse is pretty much a job in itself and could possibly cause you to grow a third arm. So…perhaps you should just suck it up and get a real job.

The Captain of Disaster asks…
Will you please buy me Charlie Day?

I checked ebay and craigslist and he is currently not for sale. I would be willing to kidnap him and ship him to you in a crate. I’ll poke some holes in it so he doesn’t die and stuff.

Freaked out in Arkansas asks…
My creepy old neighbor lady ask me to “check her for ticks”. What should I do? I am considering moving.

I would infect her with lime disease and then when she shows symptoms say, “Man, I guess I suck at checking for ticks.” She will then find a more competent individual for the duty.

The Burning Tim asks…
Could you please make a great photoshop image of me as a centaur?

That can be arranged.



TUMBLKLAAT! asks…
If u were trapped on a deserted island and could only bring one french house track from 1998 what would it be?

That would be “Punch me in the Face” by Les Blaireaux en Colère (The Angry Badgers.) Great song with a killer beat.

Frogspring 8th Edition - thefrogman gets all serious

TUMBLKLAAT asks…
What’s your favorite uk garage song about jesus?

Jesus Was in my Turkey Baster by the In Vitro’s

Don’t bother googling it. They are a super extra underground English grunge band. They don’t even know they exist.

What is your opinion on the healthcare issue?

Whoa, a serious question. Hold on to something folks, thefrogman is about to get real.

It is my opinion that every human on this earth deserves the following…

Food, shelter, education, and medical care.

I don’t care if they are lazy worthless human beings or not. Every human should have at least the chance of reaching their full potential. There are millions of people without healthcare in this country and that is unacceptable. I’ve been chronically ill for quite some time and even being covered by Medicare, I still have a very frustrating time getting decent care. I can’t imagine having to live without any coverage whatsoever.

I’ve heard the argument that free healthcare is socialism and that we don’t want to be a socialist country. I hate to break it to you, but the US has been a capitalist/socialist hybrid since the very beginning. Medicare, police, fire, city works and so on. The government is not going to socialize Wal-mart…the goal is to try and get everyone the things I mentioned before. And the plan being proposed isn’t even socialist. Private insurance companies will go on screwing people like usual, there will just be another option for people who need it. Again, it is a hybrid.

I’ve also heard the argument that if you want healthcare you should get off your ass and work for it. Giving free stuff to the lazy folks who don’t deserve it does burn a little, even to a liberal idealist like me…but here is the rub. A lot of those lazy folks have kids. You can’t punish these kids for the sins of the father. They need to be taken care of. So I say, food, shelter, education and healthcare…for everyone. Sure, taxes suck, but the richest 2 percent will take the brunt of it and 50 percent of a billion dollars is still a lot of freakin’ money. I think they’ll live.

Okay Republicans…let me have it :)

So when your ovaries explode, do you make topherchris clean it up?

Only if it’s his fault.

I want you to make a meme about the kid who didn’t go to jail because his Facebook status said “Where my pancakes”?

I don’t know what that is. I regret to inform you, but memes are not created, they just happen. If this Facebook pancake kid is meant to be the next sneezing panda, only the internet can make that happen. For I am just a lowly frog incapable of bestowing fame upon anyone.

An anonymous poster asks…
Why didn’t you answer my last question?

Frogspring 7th Edition - I’m a pretty girl

Captain Disaster writes…
I demand that you make some sort of entertaining photoshop image!

This is not asking this is DEMANDING.

Will a photo of Phil Spector as a hot air balloon suffice?
(click to enlarge)

Optional Smith asks…
I just met a woman named “Virginia Woolf”. Should I be afraid?

Well considering she filled her coat with rocks and jumped into a lake years ago, she’s either a zombie or a ghost. I’d say you should clench your butthole a bit, yes.

Miranda asks…
How do you get the blood stains out of your underwear after eating at Chipotle?

Did you try a little club soda? Or fire?

——————————————-
So, I’m still not getting very many questions. I’m hoping things will pick up in the future. To make this a complete post I thought I would randomly pick some questions and comments other people have gotten and respond to them. So here we go…

You will make a wonderful actress.

Okay, this isn’t going as well as I had planned.

Can I call you daddy?

Not until Maury Povich reveals the test results on air.

should i give uppppp?

Yesssss.

I like your teeth.

Umm…thanks.

You mention a lot that your ovaries explode. What kind of emotions do you feel? Is it like PMSing?

What emotions do I feel? Umm…I guess shock from not knowing I had ovaries and then anger from discovering they are exploding.

Your dress is so pretty!!! Good luck with drama and english this week :D
omgomgomg cant wait for formal photos i bet you look GORGEOUS!!!!!! :D

Grrr. Yes, I’m a pretty pretty girl.

Does your boyfriend have a tumblr?

Dammit. You people better start asking me more questions so I don’t have to do this anymore.

And my boyfriend does have a tumblr. His name is topherchris.

What’s your fave twilight scene?

Urg. I guess the one where the names of the actors start scrolling up.

I blame all of you for this.

ASK. QUESTIONS.