I Think Gays Are Dandy Part 2: Electric Boogaloo
The original satire posted by kimmychau…
Homosexuals should fucking die
- Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
- Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
- Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.
- Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
- Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
- Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.
- Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
- Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
- Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
- Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
A response from “krisiebear”…
I guess none of you get it. To a lot of us against gay marriage, it’s not about who loves who. I would love for them to be together if that is what they really want. Thing is MARRIAGE is something anounced before GOD. Obviously God is not in your heart if you’re gay but you should still respect those who DO have him in their hearts. A man can not ledge to God to be with a man for the rest of his life cause God does not want that. I think they should be together. I think they should have the something that allows them to have the same legal rights as married couples. I JUST want it to be called something different. I just want it to have a different name. I just don’t want you telling God that you don’t care about him… That’s all.
My open letter to Ms. Krisie of Bear…
First I’d like to apologize on behalf of the people who have called you names. I am about to thoroughly disagree with pretty much everything you have said, but I do not think your statement is deserving of some of the horrible things a few people have said about you. That said…
I’d like to tell you a little bit about the history of marriage. About this institution you hold to be so sacred. The actual origins of marriage are untraceable. The first signs of a legal institution of marriage were discovered in good old Mesopotamia. That is modern day Iraq, if you were unaware. Laws of marriage were spoken of in something called the “Code of Hammurabi.” Some other famous laws from this piece of ancient legislation include…
- If a son slaps his father, his hand shall be cut off.
- If a man takes a woman to wife, but has no intercourse with her, this woman is no wife to him.
- If anyone brings an accusation against a man, and the accused goes to the river and leaps in, if he sinks, his accuser shall take possession of his house.
So as you can see, the legal institution of marriage was clearly born out of people with God in their hearts. Also, it was pointless to accuse ducks of anything. But you are probably saying, “That’s Iraq, those people were craaazy.” Alright…fair point. Let’s skip a little further ahead to the more European origins of marriage.
At first is was a business arrangement. Farmer A has a bunch of sheep and a daughter. Farmer B has a bunch of wheat and a son. Farmer A says to Farmer B…
"I have a daughter about the age of your son. She has a misshapen face and is missing 3 toes, but her hips are wide and her breasts are firm. If she were to marry your son, I would be willing to share my herd of sheep for some of your fine crop of wheat."
"That sounds fantastic! Do you think we should ask the children how they feel about this?’
*both farmers break out into uncontrollable laughter*
I’m still not seeing God in their hearts. But I always hear religious pundits saying that marriage is this “sacred” institution. I’m a little confused. Maybe we should go a little further ahead in history. Let’s see how the actual Christians tied the knot in the beginning.
At first it was a private matter. It did not even require a ceremony. But then the great bishop Ignatius of Antioch said, “It becomes both men and women who marry, to form their union with the approval of the bishop, that their marriage may be according to God, and not after their own lust.” Ah hah! There is God! Took us a while to find him in this whole marriage business. A few thousand years, in fact. So I’m hoping that since the bishop said that, marriage remained a sacred institution from then on.
Well crap. It seems in the 6th century the Germanic warlord Clothar chose to ignore his Christian teachings. Much like many other “Christian” leaders, Clothar married multiple women all for strategic reasons. Besides his first wife, he married his dead brother’s wife (classy), her sister (hawt!) and the daughter of a captured foreign king. (Can you say 4-way?) But he was a man, and they were all women…so I’m thinking God was still in his heart…and possibly his penis.
But that was the 6th century. The 6th century was laaaame. Let’s try the 14th century. The 1300s were much more civilized. Now this is going to sound bad at first, but bear with me. Ordinary people were no longer allowed to choose their mates. The lord of Black Forest manor decreed that all his people were to marry spouses of his choosing. But he was an excellent matchmaker. He started a service called Ye Olde Harmony. With Ye Olde Harmony, this lord would match compatible men and women based on 29 “Dimensions of Compatibility” that are predictors of long-term relationship success. However if you were a peasant, you had to pay a fee to have your mate selected. But peasants are dumb anyway. God hates the poor, they should be lucky they were allowed to be married at all.
In England around this time, the age of consent was 12 years old. Eventually they came to their senses and lowered it to 10. Sure, there were some concerns of cooties, but that got a little overshadowed by that whole plague debacle. Hmm. The more I go on about the history of marriage, the less I feel like I’m presenting it as this sacred institution. Clearly we need to skip ahead to present day marriage.
60 percent of marriages end in divorce.
I, (name), take you, (name), for my lawful (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until
death petty arguments do us part.
The point I’m trying to make with all of this, Ms. Krisie of Bear, is that marriage was never really a sacred institution. Love is the sacred part. Love is what Jesus preached. He said to not judge. He said to love one another. The truth is, you do not know what God wants. The bible isn’t as clear about this as you have been taught. Most of the passages relating to homosexuality are surrounded by the condoning of slavery, the stoning of men who planted crops improperly, the burning sacrifice of animals. Why is the passage about homosexuality more valid than those others? Do not preach what you do not know. Love is beautiful no matter what form it takes. Homosexuals are not heathens because they love differently. They do not choose their preference just as you have not chosen yours. Christians believe the reason for sin is due to the ability to choose, which was given to humans by God. But if there is no choice, how can there be sin? Gays want to be married. They want the thousand or so rights that come with it. But they don’t want some second class title for their declaration of love. They want what is fair. They want what is equal. I say if your church doesn’t want to marry homosexuals, then they have every right not to. But this fight to keep gays from marrying at all…it’s misguided. Your energy is being wasted on this fight. The world needs us to focus on more important matters. You need to let this one go.
Hopefully not everything I have said fell on deaf ears. I hope that you can see a little bit of reason in what I have said. I hope you can open your mind to the possibility that what you think you know…is in fact unknowable.