thefrogman.me

Beware the Ides of March

It was on this day in 44 BC that Julius Caesar was assassinated. One of the most famous murders in history, immortalized by William Shakespeare himself. When you analyze this particular assassination, you’ll find that it was quite amateur in it’s undertaking. 

A small group of senators conspired together to do this deed. And due to the fact that they were senators, by default, the were mostly incompetent. They had to choose the stabber. I imagine it went something like this…

“Alright, who here is good at stabbing?”

“I killed a bird once.”

“Did you stab it?”

“No.”

“I’m a great stabber.”

“Casca, what have you ever stabbed?”

“Lots of things. I stab all the time. Stab stab stab.”

“Show me your stabbing motion.”

*makes stabbing motion*

“Hey, that is pretty good. So it’s settled, Casca will stab Caesar.”

So the day came, the 15th of March. Legend says that a seer had warned Caesar about this fateful day. But by this point, Caesar had been blinded by so much power, he thought himself to be a god. He was due to make an appearance with the senate. He was on his way, and was directed to the senate chamber. The moment had come. Casca sneaked behind Caesar, put his hands on his shoulders and pulled down his tunic. In those times, this was essentially the Roman equivalent of getting pantsed. Caesar yelled out, and Casca grew nervous. He thrust his knife forward and merely glanced Caesar’s neck.

Freaking out, Casca cried out, “Help me brothers!”

“Casca, you fucktard. That was a horrible stab.”

The senators closed in on the angered Caesar. Most normal men seeing 60 men with knives surrounding him, might start to panic. But Caesar wasn’t going out like a bitch. He just started yelling at them. They began to stab him, over and over. None of them landing a blow that would kill him instantly. In fact, 60 men were only able to manage 23 stabs on his person. Meaning some of them missed Caesar completely. And the person who examined the body later on, said that only 1 of the 23 stabs was even fatal. Clearly Casca wasn’t the only one who sucked at the stabbing. A Spartan woman could have beheaded Caesar on the first try.

Caesar laid crawling on the senate floor, covered in his own blood. Barely able to see through the blood covering his eyes, he glimpsed his most trusted friend, Brutus, standing over him. He looked up at him with a sadness and said, “You too, Child?” His final words, before his final breath. 

Beware the Ides of March. 

Indeed.

I am announcing my resignation

It is my sad duty to tell you all that I must resign as a blogger. I realize that people look to me as a moral compass. My words and actions have shaped the minds of those who are young and impressionable. But my persona of ethical fortitude was a farce. I have led a secret life. A life of hideous conduct unbecoming of a blogger. I have engaged in activities of the utmost disgrace. 

I, on a regular basis, have participated in tickle fights.

I realize that you are all shocked. I have no excuse for delighting in the tickling of other men. Perhaps “accidentally” brushing my hand against their genitals…and subsequently groping them. I have no excuse for giggling with glee as I was manhandled by grown adult males in animal costumes. I am addicted to tickling. I like to tickle others, and I like to be tickled. I blame my mother and her constant use of the “tickle monster” to make me smile as a child. I realize that if I hadn’t used a credit card to purchase the services of “Tickle Midgets Incorporated”…news of this scandal would have never leaked. But I didn’t have any cash and those little people are such darn good ticklers. I couldn’t help myself. Their short stature just makes it so easy for them to reach those hard to tickle areas. But, in a way, I’m glad this information was made public. It has forced me to face my tickle demons and commit to changing my tickling ways. After this post I will be checking into the Elmo Tickle Rehab Center. There I will receive the treatment I need to conquer this disease and lead a normal life once again. Again, I deeply, deeply apologize for failing you. I hope that some day you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Good bye everyone. Good luck in all that you do.

Froggie