thefrogman.me

Froggie Thoughts: Action Figures!

As a kid…

• Beg parents to buy action figure.
• Parents finally give in.
• Go to the toy store and get action figure.
• Car ride home, giant smile on face. Can’t wait to play with action figure!
• Get home, run to your room. Tear open the packaging.
• Play with action figure.
• Kung Fu grip! Hiiiii yah!

As an adult…

• See same action figure on eBay.
• Get nostalgic.
• Place bid on item, 3000 times the price your parents paid for it.
• Item still in original packaging. (Nice!)
• Win auction, wait for item to ship.
• Action figure arrives. Take it out…put on shelf. Still in original packaging.
• Stare at action figure.
• Take picture of action figure, post online.
• Friends make comments like, “Ooooo…and it’s still in the original packaging!”
• Stare at action figure some more.
• Inner kid wants you to tear open that motherfucker and play with it!
• But it will lose it’s value.
• KUNG FU GRIP!
• I need to keep it in mint condition.
• The dude has a sword! Take it out, and start pretending to chop bad guys with it!
• Do you know how much this will be worth in 10 years? It’s an investment.
• Ugh. You’re no fun anymore.

Froggie Thoughts: Finances!

Every month on the first Wednesday, my disability payment gets deposited into my bank account. I log on to the account page and see the money in there and for a brief moment, I am happy. I think to myself, “I have money! If I wanted to, right now, I could buy that guitar I want.” Okay, now it’s time to pay the bills. I proceed to fulfill my financial responsibilities and pay all of the giant billion dollar institutions who demand my monthly pittance. I feel good that I am reducing my debt and being responsible. After this little bill paying ritual is done, I head back to my bank account to see the damage. I can no longer afford the guitar. And now my thought is, “I have no money! I hope I can buy food!” But it was nice for that brief moment to fantasize about all that money I used to have and what I would do with it.

Froggie Thoughts: Drawring!

Colored pencils are the thinking man’s crayons.

Froggie Thoughts: The Elderly!

I have dreams where I am attacked by mobs of the elderly. They are mad at me because I delight at throwing Cheez-its at them. I can’t help it. It’s funny. They get all mad and shake their fist. Then they say something adorable like, “Gosh darn kids!” Then I laugh and laugh. But soon they catch me off guard and all of the sudden they have me cornered. They start pelting me with the tennis balls off their walkers. Then, like in all my dreams, I discover I’m not wearing any pants and wake up in a cold sweat.

Madness.

Froggie Thoughts: Avatar!

I can’t see movies until I can get them via Netflix, so I haven’t seen Avatar yet. But I can say that when it first came out and people went to see it, they all seemed to like it. Then last night James Cameron won some fake Oscars picked by the foreign press. (Which I’m pretty sure is 3 Italian guys who print a newsletter and give it away at their sandwich shop with the purchase of meatballs.) I keep hearing “James Cameron is such a douchebag.” “That movie sucked! He didn’t deserve to win!’ And so on and so forth. Here is what I do know. Creating a gigantic complicated film like that is something only a few people on this planet can do. If James Cameron is a douchebag…so be it. But he is a genius douchebag that made several of the most successful films of all time. Don’t act shocked if people give him awards for it. Personally, I’d give him an award for making giant lifelike 3D Smurfs. Because Smurfs are awesome.

Extra thought: Christina Hendricks…YOWZA!

Froggie Thoughts: “Likes”

On tumblr there is a system in which you can “like” other peoples’ posts by clicking a heart at the top of them. Now at first this may seem like a pretty basic concept. You see something neato…you click the little heart. But there is one aspect of the liking process that I am still quite confused about. Sometimes people will post bad news, or something unpleasant that happened in the news, or a sad picture of something tragic…and I want to acknowledge that somehow. But this isn’t something I like. I certainly don’t <3 it. So what is the protocol? If I see a post that says, “A zombie Nazi ate my rabbit!” and I “like” it, are people going to think that I am pro-the consumption of bunnies by undead Nazis? I am totally against that! Tumblr really needs to add a button that means, “I feel for you, dawg.”

So if you post something similar to what I have discussed, just know that I didn’t “like” it because I was confused. You can freely assume that I feel for you, dawg.

Froggie Thoughts: Getting Screwed

A while back I was discussing my depression with my doctor. It’s an unfortunate consequence of living with Chronic Fatigue for 10 years. He gave me some pills and instructed me to not watch the news. I had never thought of that before. I don’t like to be uninformed, but trying to get this depression monkey off my back takes precedent. But some news you can’t escape from. Some news is just so powerful that it saturates everything. When I first saw the images of the people in Haiti, it was like I got punched in the gut. I’ll admit, I didn’t know too much about Haiti. I could point to it on a map. I knew they were extremely poor. And I knew that they were in contention for the “Worst Government Ever” prize. Also, I have just learned that some of their ancestors made a pact with Satan so that a short guy in a funny hat would leave their country. Ever since, they have just been seriously… royally… SCREWED. It’s the one thing I don’t get in life. Even though you’re already screwed, things can still happen to screw you even more. You get to a point where you think, “At least it can’t get any worse.” Those are the words of someone who is about to get screwed up the ass with a porcupine.

Everyone seems to be getting screwed. Those Bernie Madoff folks got screwed, people who lost their jobs due to the collapse of the economy got screwed, Conan got screwed. When Obama became president…he got screwed. He sat down in his nice new chair and then some guy comes in and says,

“Sir, the dump truck full of shit that the last guy created is here.”

“That’s a big truck. But I think we can take care of it with time and patience.”

“That’s 1 of 40 trucks, sir.”

“Fuck.”

I got screwed just recently. I found a medicine that may make me a whole lot better. I thought, “Yay!” And then insurance denied it. I then thought,

“Well, I’m sure I can scrounge a few pennies and pay for it myself.”

“It’s $16,000.”

“Fuck.”

So how can we stop this endless barrage of people getting screwed? I’m not really sure. All I know, is that if you know someone who is getting screwed by life…give them a hug. Tell them how much you care about them. Tell them why they are the bee’s knees. If it is a female, compliment their shoes. They really like that. And if all else fails, borrow a kitten and let them play with it. Kittens have been scientifically proven to make you feel 33 percent less screwed.

(image from kittenskittenskittens)