“Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave the store. You’ve been giggling at this package of dinosaurs for over half an hour and some parents have complained that you told their children ‘it looks like butt sex.’”
3 years ago
March 10, 2010
Picture via: xirapha
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Uh, yeah, hi, this is Alan Harris calling…”
“Sir, this is the third call you’ve made this week.”
“I know… I can’t help myself.”
“How many did you eat this time?”
“29…”
“The ambulance is on its way. Sir, just because health-care is free doesn’t mean you can willfu- sir, do I hear you eating another bacon bar?”
“No…” I said through a mouthful of bacon bar.
ROFLCRUMPETS!
3 years ago
February 25, 2010
On exciting phone conversations!
“Hello, Service Canada general inquiries, I’m Susanne. How may I help you?” She said.
“Hi there!” I replied, “I really liked the piano music you played for me while I was on hold.”
“Well thank you, sir. How may I address your inquiry?” She asked, again.
“Do you think the world will end with a big earthquake or a giant asteroid?” I inquired.
“… Sir, that sort of question is best left to be answered by someone other than the government of Canada. Do you have any inquiries regarding any of the branches of Service Canada?”
“Well, I’m unemployed and lonely. I just thought it would be nice to talk to someone other than the garbage man.”
“I can forward you to the Employment section of Service Canada if you’d like.” She said with a tone of worry.
“Okay! Could you play your piano music for me? I liked that piano music. It reminds me of when I took piano lessons when I was ten! I was kicked out of piano lessons, though, because I kept touching myself. … Hello?”
“Do you think maybe the Russians took over the government and that’s why they hung up on me?” I asked the garbage man.
“I don’t know. Would you fuck off?” He said back, obviously kidding because we’re best friends.
I <5 Alan Harris. Crap. I >3 Alan Harris. Dammit! I <>@#$* Alan Harris. Man, that wasn’t even close. I [less than sign] [the number three] Alan Harris.
