On this date in 1492, Columbus was nearing the end of his journey to the new world. He spotted land through his spyglass and pointed his ship towards the sandy shore. As the ship landed and Columbus stepped onto this new land, an aromatic smoke wafted past him. It filled his senses with wonder and gave him a desire for puffed cornmeal coated with an orange powdery cheese.
The natives greeted Columbus and showed him their island. It was not India as he had hoped. They called the land “Jamaica.” They played him music with a relaxed beat and danced with their hands in the air. They waved them with very little concern.
Columbus inquired about the smoke that had encompassed him earlier. The tribal leader smiled and led the explorer into his hut. He told Columbus of a magic herb that would inspire him to think more deeply. To feel more completely. It would make him giggle at words like masticate and dongle.
Columbus looked on as the tribesman crushed the herb and rolled it up inside a leaf. He set one end on fire and told Columbus to inhale deeply and hold the smoke within him until he could no longer stand it. He filled his lungs with smoke, his cheeks puffed, his eyes watered, and then the smoke burst from his lips. He coughed and coughed as the natives laughed.
Columbus could feel the effects of this magic herb. The tetrahydrocannabinol began coursing through his veins. He began to think strange things. Like… what if the world really was flat but God wrapped it around a giant space coconut so we wouldn’t fall off the edge.
This went on for many hours. The two men bonded over the herb and decided that this was a great day. Columbus appeared before everyone and spoke…
"I say this to everyone. To the Jamaican tribesmen. To my brave seaman."
[5 minutes of giggling]
"Let me rephrase… to all the guys that helped me drive the boats and stuff… I declare this to be a glorious holiday. A day we must celebrate every year henceforth. We will call it 4/20 Day!"
"That’s kind of a dumb name. What about Potsgiving?"
"No no no. April 20th is Hitler’s birthday. It will be a cool fun fact that stoners can share to seem smart."
"It’s 1492. Who the hell is Hitler?"
"QUIET MAN. I’m giving a speech here. ANYWAY… we will call it 4/20 Day and it will be great. A side note for all the indigenous people. We are claiming this land for Spain. We stuck a lovely flag in the beach. If you resist colonization we will stab you with swords and whatnot."