Frogspring 12 - The Search for Curly’s Gold
Someone asks in Portuguese…
Qualquer coisa? Então fale-me sobre qualquer coisa.
Which translated means…
Anything? So tell me about anything.
I see the Portuguese people have a habit of taking things very literally. Okay, I’ll tell you about the duckbilled platypus.
The duckbilled platypus or Ornithorhynchus Anatinus, has the bill of a duck, beaver-like fur, a venomous foot, and is the only mammal that lays eggs.
God conceived of the platypus directly after the creation of the marijuana plant. God always liked setting bushes on fire and in doing so, he inadvertently inhaled the fumes. Soon after, he was compelled to create the duckbilled platypus and eat Doritos. 
GOD: Holy crap, what the hell is that thing?
JESUS: I’m not sure Dad, you came barging into my cloud, laughing like a mad diety, you called it a duckbilled plata-something and then you stole my stash of cheese doodles.
GOD: Did it just lay an egg?
JESUS: Yup.
GOD: Weird.
True story.
How do you add your other sites to your page such as facebook, myspace as your other haunts?
I believe you are talking about the items in my sidebar. 
I’m afraid there isn’t a simple answer that I can give you here. Your tumblr theme has to have a sidebar in order for it to work. I’d need to take a look at your site and then I could give you better instruction from there. Feel free to email me at froggie@thefrogman.me with your info and I’ll take a look.
Hi, I am seeking out relationship advice. I have found that lately I have been attracting a lot more guys then I am used to and I am willing and open for a relationship but ALL of these guys I meet make it clear that they only want sex from me. What do I do?
I’m fairly certain Dr. Phil has given advice on this topic at some point, so the first thing I would do is find that advice, and do the exact opposite. A study was done a while back that showed that your typical male homosapien has a sexual thought about every 8 seconds. I wish I could debunk this, but it isn’t too far from the truth. Do a little thought experiment with me. Let your normal thoughts rumble around in your head but every 8 seconds think the word “boobs.” Congratulations… you are now thinking like a male. When us doods are at a younger stage in our life, we believe that because these thoughts are so dominant in our heads, that all we really want is sex. And we do want sex, that is undeniable, but the realization that we want and even need more than that tends to come at a later age. Though there are some guys who never have that epiphany and they end up dying alone. So here comes the advice.
First, don’t give in. If you want a relationship and all these guys want is sex, then these aren’t the guys for you. A little bit of patience is required. Patience is hard, and you may falter. You may have to suffer through a few losers before you find what is right for you.
Another thing you should do is take note of the environment in which you meet these particular guys. You may find that if you change up your setting, you will find guys that have a less singular focus.
You may want to expand your age standards a bit. Don’t go crazy, keep it to a decade or so, but statistically I’d say older men are a tad more mature.
Seek and you shall find. There is this silly notion that the man must approach the woman. I say to hell with that. If there is a guy that you think might float your boat, put yourself out there. Rejection sucks, but regret sucks worse.
Don’t let nice guys finish last. Being one of the nice guys, I can’t tell you how annoying it is to watch my female friends going out with bad boys, tools, and losers. That initial attraction is powerful, but often that instinct is based more on our carnal selves than our logical selves. You want the attraction to have a mix of both. Try to play out the attraction in your head and make sure there is not just physical aspects to it, but mental as well. Usually when you are attracted on both levels, you have found yourself a nice guy.
My last bit of advice may be the hardest of all. This is a common piece of advice I’ve heard floated around from therapists and other smart folks alike. You need to be comfortable with yourself before you are ready to be with someone else. If you can find peace being by yourself, then you won’t lower your standards just because you fear being alone. This isn’t easy to accomplish. You need to make sure you have a good support system in place with family and friends. But I think that once you have the confidence to face the world on your own, you can pretty much do anything…including finding that special someone.
Let us see, let us see… The Munsters or The Adams Family?
Adams Family…no question. The Munsters was a gimmicky sitcom. The Adams Family was one of the first experiments in macabre black comedy…disguised as a gimmicky sitcom. The most brilliant part was that almost no one noticed. I think they were a huge inspiration for artists to attempt darker, more subversive styles of humor. 
An idiot asks…
wtf
That’s your question? wtf? Well my answer is WTFBBQC3POR2D2OBGYNRTFM. 
Well I was going to ask you to marry me, you know, as like a tumblarity ploy, but now that’s been done I really don’t know… write me a duck poem?
YES! Yes anonymous question asker, I will marry you. Wait..you want a duck poem instead? Fiiiine. 
Frank the Duck
By Froggie Von Froggerson
Frank the duck was a curious bird
For he did not quack, instead he purred
You are not a cat, his friends all muttered
He would try to quack, yet a purr is all he uttered
The felines would hear this, and gather round
Their curiosity nearly killed them, as they heard this sound
You are a duck, not one of us
If you do not stop, we shall make a fuss
Frank tried to quack once more, but to no avail
His quest for quackitude was nothing but fail
He saught the wisdom of an elder duck
How do I stop this, am I out of luck?
Let me take a look down your bill he said
Perhaps the answer is in this piece of bread
It does seem stuck right where you quack
Let me smack you firmly upon your back
And with a swift hit from the elder’s mighty wing
The bread flew out and Frank could sing
He quacked and quacked until no more quacks could occur
And that was the day, Frank stopped his unatural purr
Why do you have guns hanging on your wall? 
I want them handy in case of a zombie apocalypse. The question is, why don’t YOU have guns on your wall? Your brains are going to get eaten super quick. 
Okay, confession time. They are Airsoft pistols. They are designed to look real, but they shoot green plastic BB’s. They sting like the dickens, but they won’t do much more than annoy zombies and give them welts on their necrotizing epidermis.
Kudos on your use of evil gremlins. :)
(frankisaurusrex close your eyes) You mean this guy? 
Yes, a little easter egg on my tumblr page is the Gremlin at the top of the sidebar. If you click him, all hell breaks loose. Try to catch him if you can. Also feel free to scare your friends by gremlinizing their websites. Created by my very talented friend Kyle Hasegawa and myself, you can go to http://therebegremlins.com and reek havoc.
To see all duck poetry related material click here.
