Some people go through their lives never knowing that they are giant assholes. I want to be sure that you are not one of those people.
You are a giant asshole.
If I could convert your figurative asshole into a literal asshole, this is how big of an asshole you would be.
Now if you were unaware that you are a giant asshole, I’m hoping this asshole revelation will help you make some changes in your life. For instance, you could try NOT being an asshole. If you see an old lady, don’t kick her. Perhaps help her cross the street. If you see a kitten stuck in a tree, do not get the BB gun… instead, find a ladder and help it to safety. Many people find not being an asshole a terrific lifestyle decision. They tend to lead happier, more satisfying lives.
Or you could go with option B…
Try to be the world’s biggest asshole.
You’ve already got a great start and I think with a little hard work and determination, you could really have a shot at it. You’re going to have to step up your game a bit, because there are some giant d-bags out there. Try telling people their babies are ugly. Attach a Confederate flag to your vehicle. Post homophobic comments about a rainbow cookie. Join the Republican party. Move to New Jersey and do reality television. Add autoplay music to your tumblr. Before you know it, I bet you’ll be able to increase your asshole quotient exponentially.
Either way you choose to go I just want you to know that you can go die in a fire.
Have a lovely day.
