Frogspring 11: This might get corny
Are you single? girlfriend? tell me/us.
I am currently in a committed relationship with my left hand. I used to date the right hand, but the sex got boring and it was always nagging me to take it nice places. In all seriousness, I am a hopeless romantic all alone on this voyage through life. I am desperate to find a girl to give all this affection to. Someone to hold me when I’m lonely, to kiss me when I’m sad, to scratch my back because it feels nice…to do my taxes because I’m pretty sure I’m doing them wrong. Every year I write a check out to “Uncle Sam” for 5 dollars and send it to the IRS. Is there a girl out there for me? One who will accept my flaws? Who will be my muse? Who knows what a W-2 is? Who will have awesome boobs that I can play with whenever I want? I hope so.
TO thee I ask these questions three:
Question the first: What would the title and cover page of your autobiography be?
Question the Second: What would be your last meal be if you’re to be executed for treason (in space).
Well, if I’m in space I’m definitely going to have some tang. Then I would request a giant steak, wrapped in bacon, covered in cheese, wrapped again in bacon and topped with a pinch of paprika for taste. For a side…the bloomin’ onion of course. For dessert I would want rice krispie treats wrapped in bacon, covered in cheese, and wrapped in bacon again.
Question the third: Which musicians do you listen to and why?
Well, I am a guitarist and I studied classical voice for quite some time, so I tend to listen to things that impress me in those areas. My favorite guitarist is probably Steve Vai. I do not think there is a more technically proficient guitarist in the world right now.
My favorite musician is probably Eric Clapton. I tend to gravitate to his Cream days and I LOVE his vintage blues albums. Plus Eric Clapton Unplugged was a masterpiece.
Now we move on to Opera. I know it’s a bit cliche’ but I love Pavarotti. He had one of the fullest tenor voices I’ve ever heard and when he hits a high C, it sounds so powerful, yet effortless. The man smoked and drank and rarely rehearsed. They would wake him before a show, drag his ass on stage and he’d just be awesome. I recommend you all listen to his rendition of Nessun Dorma. Make sure you turn your speakers wayyyyy up.
A few honorable mentions go to Paul Robeson and Robert Johnson. It’s a bit sad that these two musicians were never recorded with more modern technology. Their music has been remastered and whatnot, but it does not do their talent justice.
Paul Robeson was a famous basso profundo. Translated that means “deep ass voice.” Barry White couldn’t touch this guy. He sang mostly old slave time spirituals and is most known for having the quintessential “Ol’ Man River.” Even with the poor recording equipment of that time, you can still hear how deep and rich and full his voice was. People are often impressed by the “high note”…but in this case, they would come to see how low Paul could go.
Robert Johnson is the stuff of legends. The tale goes as such. Johnson had a burning desire to become a great blues musician. He played the guitar, but he knew he just didn’t have the skills to make something of it. One night he went to a crossroads in Mississippi where he came upon a tall black man. This figure took out Johnson’s guitar, tuned it, and played a few songs that utterly amazed this poor plantation worker. The man told Johnson that he too could play like that…for a price. “I’d give anything” said Robert. “Even your soul” the man replied. Johnson couldn’t resist. His desire to be a living legend was worth more to him than his soul…so he made the deal with the devil. Ol’ Lucifer handed back the guitar and with it came the mastery of the Mississippi Delta Blues. Robert Johnson made only one album, recorded in one session. He faced the wall and played into a microphone that looked like an old tin can. It was just him and his guitar and he recorded the ultimate blues album. His music will continue to inspire musicians as long as there is music. He died mysteriously at the age of 27. A curious coincidence to be sure. Other artists who died at that age include Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, and Kurt Cobain. Robert Johnson’s most famous song is probably Crossroads which most of you may have heard Eric Clapton cover faithfully. The original recordings are rough, but if you can get past that, there is real genius in his music.
Oh, and Ralph Macchio did a movie called Crossroads about all this stuff, but there was no karate, so I couldn’t really get into it.
Also, you’re hilarious and your missing hobo poster was incredible.
I don’t see anything hilarious about a missing hobo. Crazy Pete is out there somewhere.
Are you made of corn?
Yes. Absolutely.
What kind of cookie?
I see what you did there. You used my offer of a cookie for a question against me. Clever. Well, for your efforts you get a warm delicious internet tracking cookie. Enjoy!
Why do you love frogs so much? I love frogs too, their amphibious qualities are pretty flipping awesome. I would like to live comfortably in both land and water.
I guess you are not buying me being an actual frog, huh? I wish I had a better answer to this. Something like, “A frog once saved my life from an evil vampire koala bear and I have been a faithful frog lover ever since.” Alas, the answer is a bit mundane. I just think frogs are cool. They hop everywhere, they have those feet that stick to anything, they have those trippy retracto tongues that snap in and out. Also, they are an essential part of those “Sounds of the Forest” CD’s that help put hipsters to sleep. And you know what? People are always afraid of snakes…but frogs are the ones to watch out for. The beautiful poison dart frog is likely the most venomous creature on earth. One little frog can easily kill 10 humans or 20,000 mice. My cousin Bernard is a dart frog and after eating some bad flies he went on a hamster killing rampage. Never before have so many hamster wheels been left unturned.
