Frogspring 10: Is Gay Fairy redundant?
If a train is headed towards Phoenix at 65 mph, and another train is on the tracks in the opposite direction headed at 50 mph, why is my Dad gay?
While people on trains are more likely to be gay, I do not think that answers your root question as to why your dad is gay. As we all know, you are not born gay. At the age of 8, the Gay Fairy will visit you at night and you must challenge her to a cage fight. If you lose, she turns you gay. So why is your dad gay? Probably because the Gay Fairy got him in a sleeper hold.
Vogan Guard shouts..
resistance is useless !!
Resistance is futile actually. It is not useless. Misquoting the Borg seems grounds for instant assimilation. A cube will be around shortly to pick you up. I’ve told them to replace your anus with a robot rectum first thing. Good luck with that.
In regards to my lack of questions…
I bet if you paid in hooker chits you would get a better response.
I had to look this one up. I did not know what a chit was. The googles told me this
chit
–noun
1. a signed note for money owed for food, drink, etc.
2. any receipt, voucher, or similar document, esp. of an informal nature.
3. Chiefly British. a note; short memorandum.
So basically you are saying if I gave out hooker coupons I would get more questions to answer. I imagine so, but I fear the questions would be the text equivalent of getting a phone call with nothing but heavy breathing on the other end. No, I want a more intelligent discourse for these Q & A’s, which is why I will instead give out coupons to Wal-Mart.
Major Tom asks…
What do you think of frog pants?
The nice thing about being a frog is that it is socially acceptable to go pantsless and no one gives you any trouble. But in the colder months it is nice to have something in between your frog junk and the freezing winter air. That’s why I buy flannel pants from LL Bean for Frogs. Keeps my nuts toasty and the plaid really goes with my eyes.
thefrogmom asks…
How do you prepare a 20 lb. turkey? Stuffing optional!
Well, first things first. We’re gonna need a turkey. I like them fresh so I prefer to travel into the wilderness and acquire the turkey myself. Turkeys are a crafty bird. They don’t like being shot at and they try to avoid your attempts at doing so. That’s why I go armed with nothing but a turkey costume and blow darts. Now this technique is not without danger. I have personally been shot 4 times by unknowing hunters and a vice president. Once you are costumed you must become one with the turkeys to gain their trust. You cannot simply imitate a turkey, you must be a turkey. When you gobble, you better mean it, or else you’ll find yourself in the middle of a pack of angry turkeys. They will not hesitate to kill an imposter. The trick is to gobble your way into their good graces, lure one away from the rest, and shoot him with a paralyzing dart. You have now completed phase 1.
The next step is killing the turkey and disposing of those innards you do not wish to dine upon. Now this has traditionally been the most unpleasant part of the process, but I have discovered a trick that will make this task much easier. First, you must attain the turkey’s driver’s license. On the back where it asks if he wants to be an organ donor…check that box. Now you must kill the turkey and make it look like an accident. I recommend the classic “falling down the stairs.” Once dead, the organ transplant team will snap into action, take out all of the innards for you, and give you the turkey back to make arrangements for the body. Protip: Do not tell them you plan to eat the turkey. Phase 2 complete.
Phase 3: Cooking the turkey. This step is the easiest. Just hand the turkey to your mother and go watch football. It will magically cook itself in a matter of hours and be super delicious.
Auriga asks…
After watching Wizard of OZ, I ask.. what would you do with a brain if you had one? (grin, duck, and run!)
Well, I believe trafficking organs is illegal. I suppose if I came upon a brain I would report it to the authorities. If they decided that I could keep the brain, I would probably poke it and stuff.
Single By Choice asks…
What does pirate frog say…..? Not arhhgggg.
No, it’s more of an arrrrrrrribbit. And we still use your basic pirate vernacular. Avast. Ahoy. Scalawags and neerdowells. Wenches and me matey.
Ah, me leg done fell plum off. It must be the scurvy!
There be no wenches here, let me stick it in yer bum mate. I can’t lower me bloomer cannon and I needs to fire me balls off.
Ya know, stuff like that.
Curious George asks…
Have you ever had or heard of refried bacon?
I have not. I feel maybe you should just fry it correctly the first time around.
How excellent is it?
Bacon? Do you even need to ask?
Who would win in a fight, the world’s most excellent kitten or Batman?
Neither would win. Batman would never hurt a kitty. Batman would defend himself until the kitty got tired and needed a nap. Then he would restrain him with kitty batcuffs and find a proper home for the little guy.
What would Obama look like if he went as Catwoman on Halloween?
I suppose he would look like this…
I have a burning question.. Will penicillin get rid of it?
I’m afraid penicillin will not get rid of questions burning or otherwise. In fact, nothing can get rid of an asked question short of time travel. Luckily you can buy yourself a time machine on eBay and prevent yourself from asking this question in the first place.
