A Christmas Eve Poem
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas would soon be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
The interwebz were quiet, hardly a soul searched for porn
They went to sleep early, awaiting Christmas morn
I laid in my bed, under my covers tightly tucked
I’m fighting the urge to rhyme that with fucked
But then on my roof, I heard a strange sound
Like a bunch of footsteps and then a great pound
I rose from my sleep, and put on some pants
I missed one of the leg-holes, and did an awkward dance
I shuffled forward slowly, to check this shit out
And in my living room, I see a fat dude lurking about
“Hey!” I shouted at the man dressed in red
I pulled out my gun and filled him with lead
I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and what did I see
I just shot Santa next to my Christmas tree
I couldn’t ruin Christmas for all the girls and boys
This is my fault, so I will deliver their toys
I got to the roof and saw Santa’s sleigh
I hoped that the reindeer already knew the way
I hopped aboard and grabbed the reigns
I suddenly realized I had forgotten their names
Now Steve! Now Dave! Now Lenny and John!
On Pete! On Phil! On Darryl and Ron!
The sleigh did not move, and they gave me a scoff
I googled their names, I was WAY off
I tried once again to call out their names
And I held on tightly to the reigns
Now Dasher!
Now Dancer!
Now Prancer and Vixen!
On Comet!
On Cupid!
On Donner and Blitzen!
The eight magic reindeer took off with a rush
I hurried them on as I shouted, “Mush! Mush!”
We flew cross the moon, and jingled our bells
We flew past the ocean and its midnight swells
I slipped down chimneys, and delivered the toys
I ate all the cookies left by good girls and boys
The night was saved and I let out a sigh
If the children had known they surely would cry
So I shot Santa, but he is not dead
My aim really sucks, I totally missed his head
The elves picked him up, and treated his wounds
He’s doing quite well, and will recover very soon
I said a jolly, “Ho ho ho” when I heard he was alright
And I shouted from on high…
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!”
[Thanks to melaphantastic for the amazing reindeer GIFs.]
