Sometimes I think I would have better luck if I were. I have a lot of bear enthusiasts that seem to think I’m handsome and want to do things to my butt. I’m afraid the only time that part of me has been an entrance was at the doctor’s office and that time I sat on a pine cone. I just have way too many pictures of boobies on my hard drive to be gay.
I just swallowed the last antibiotic. I hate these sons-a-bitches. They make me very tired and grumpy. I haven’t been able to get squat accomplished in weeks. But they are all gone now and I don’t have to take any more. Now I can go back to being less very tired and only mildly grumpy.
One thing I really hate about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is the large consequences for small things. It’s just a stupid pill, and yet, it has the power to stop me dead in my tracks for weeks. Three days in the hospital could take a month to fully recover the energy I lost. One bad night’s sleep and I can erase any progress I’ve made. But I’m done with these little immune boosting bastards and hopefully I can get back on track.
I had to cancel two appointments for my gastric bypass evaluation. I was hoping to have had the surgery by now, but a little infected abscess in my leg sends me to the hospital twice and ruins the best laid plans of frogs and men. You see, if I get gastric bypass, and I recover from it, and I’m 5 by 5… I get to start the search for a little corgi pup to call my own. He’ll grow and I’ll shrink. I’ll have a little buddy to help me through the lonely times. I cannot wait.
This Saturday I turn 30. I have been unable to process this information. In a lot of ways I feel like I am still 18. That’s when I got sick. That’s when my life seemed to stop. I feel like someone hit an epic pause button on me and I’m waiting for everything to resume.
I’ve missed out on so many experiences. I had to drop out of college after only a few months. I haven’t made a new “IRL” friend in years. I haven’t kissed a girl in a very long time. I’ve never been on an airplane. I’ve never traveled to another country. I’ve never seen an ocean nor a mountain. I’ve never held a baby. I never got to see how far I could have gone with my stand up comedy.
So birthdays feel like a somber occasion to me. They remind me of all the things I haven’t been able to experience.
I have come to a point in my life where people that were always adults in my eyes, are now younger than I am. I went to the doctor’s office and the nurse was in her early 20s. My mind kept saying, “She’s a nurse. That’s a grown up job. How can she be younger than me?”
It’s hard to keep hope alive, but I do. I have hope that I will get better someday and that I will get to make up all the living that was taken away from me. I have hope that I will find someone to kiss again. That I will perform in front of a live audience and make them guffaw enthusiastically. That I will see a mountain. An ocean. And perhaps hold a baby of my own. And I will try my best not to name it something stupid like Boysenberry or Phil.