i know youre straight and all, but i think youre really cute. i have a boyfriend, so dont worry about thinking youre gonna be stalked by a gay guy lol. i just wanted to throw that out there :)
No worries. I enjoy stalkers of any sexual orientation. Early on, one of my biggest influx of followers was due to the bear community on tumblr. They seemed to enjoy my furry exterior. My love life would probably be a lot easier if I was gay. I’ve got 200 guys ready to violate my pooper if I can ever kick my addiction to boobs. I’m afraid that probably won’t happen, so I can only be eye candy.
Are there any aspiring tumblr theme developers that want to help me make one from scratch?
Knowledge of html, css, js, and tumblr’s wonky theme system would be required. I have been trying to redo my site for a while now. I’ve designed it, but I can’t do the code. If it works out, perhaps we could submit a generic version as a premium theme. You can keep all the proceeds if that were to happen.
If interested, shoot me an email: email@example.com
GIFs are a pain in the ass to make. ESPECIALLY for tumblr, because you have to make them no larger than 500k in file size.
I start with the video. I use a simple editor to cut out the part I want to make into a gif. I convert it to a quicktime .MOV file because photoshop likes those better. I use the “Import > video frames as layers” option in photoshop. That turns it into an editable animation.
I trim any unneeded frames, crop any unnecessary pixels, and add any flourishes that may be required. Then I choose “save for web and devices.” This is where the skill of gif making really comes into play. You must adjust these settings so that your gif will be < 500k, but it doesn’t end up looking like a postage stamp or a noisy piece of shit.
I start by reducing the colors. I keep reducing and reducing until I decide that the image looks too much like shit, and then I increase the colors back up to where it was acceptable.
Lossy-ness. This is the quality of the gif’s compression. The more lossy you make it, the more noise and artifacts your gif will have. But the file size will decrease. So once again you keep bumping up the lossy slider until you feel the image is too degraded, and then ease it back to the acceptable range.
Photoshop has four gif styles to choose from. Perceptual, adaptive, selective, and restrictive. Cycle through these and see which one looks best with your image. They won’t do much to help your file size, but they could smooth out your gif a tad. Certain animations look better with certain styles. It’s a judgement call.
Here is a screencap of some gif settings in photoshop.
Now you have decreased the quality of the gif to the lowest point you are comfortable with. If the file size is still too big, then you need to start reducing the dimensions. Knock it down 25 pixels at a time and see if you can hit your 500k goal. If you feel like it is getting too small, then your only other option is to go back decrease the number of frames. Sometimes I will delete every other frame. If it doesn’t look too choppy, that can really help reduce the file size.
Once you’ve finished, save your gif and test upload it to tumblr. Save it as a draft to make sure it works. I’ve learned that sometimes even if your file size is okay, you may still need to knock it down a few kilobytes to get it to work. And if it still doesn’t animate, you might have too many frames. I haven’t figured out the frame limit on tumblr, but I’m pretty sure there is one. I think it is around 60-100.
When I was a little girl I thought the world was just Spam and bounty hunters. I thought if I kept my nose clean and my belly full of miscellaneous pork, that I’d do alright in life. I was on my way too. I had a decent head on my shoulders and curves that all the guys seemed to like. I was like a light switch. I could turn you on with nothing more than a finger. Or if my hands were full of groceries, I could use my nose if I had to.
Everything was peaches… that is …until the internet.
I was traversing the world wide web on a dark and stormy night. My eyes filled with wonder as I discovered all the spectacle that lied there at the tips of my fingers. It gave me chills. The kind that can make your nipples poke right through your shirt. Anything I desired to see was a click away. If you want monkeys, you can have monkeys. If you want midgets, you can have midgets. If you want monkey-midgets, well, you’ve gone too far and should probably take a break. But it’s there if you really need it.
The night grew old and I hadn’t even noticed. I spent 3 hours looking at LOLcats and I don’t even know why. It was like a drug. A drug that made you much more accepting of bad spelling and grammar. You forgive them because they are just cats. They’ve had no proper education.
On a whim I decided to click on a link to a “tumblr”. Web 2.0 didn’t care for the letter E. Any site that wanted to be successful had to spell their names without it. A bold move, really. The letter E is very important. It’s the only vowel they give you at the end of Wheel of Fortune.
The tumblr I came across was filled with pictures of nebulae and triangles. It spoke to me. It mentioned I could become a follower of this tumblr and then I could have nebulae and triangles whenever I desired. But there was a catch. If I wanted to be a follower, I had to join the tumblr collective. I was scared. Scared like a chicken in a fox hole. The last time I joined something I ended up peddling weird cookies to strangers. People thought that money was going to a good cause. But in reality it was to pay for the troupe leader’s vintage sex toy collection. It was a sad day when I found that rusty dildo. You don’t shake something like that off. But now… I’m thinking of joining another cult of personality. I needed those triangles. I wanted to create my own page and post my favorites. The urge was too strong. My mouse pointer inched its way to the join button.
Suddenly a voice from on high. “YOU’VE GOT MAIL.”
I know, I know. I shouldn’t still be using AOL, but that voice comforts me. I opened my mailbox and there was a single unread message waiting for me. It was from “Le Frog” and the subject was left blank. It was damned mysterious. Creepy. Like a raccoon in a dress. I opened the message and it contained a single sentence.
“Hawaiians do not blog.”
A warning? A harbinger? A threat? How did this frog know I was about to join an easy to use micro-blogging platform? A platform that I am sure is well managed and free from constant errors. A platform so stable that it almost never crashes. Why would he want to keep me from that? I didn’t pay much attention to the message. I learned my lesson with that Nigerian Prince. I’m never getting those Red Lobster coupons back. I know he wanted cash, but free hush puppies with every meal is just as good.
So back to the matter at hand. Joining the very reliable micro-blogging service that is tumblr. I clicked my way through to the join page. All it asked was my email and a password. I did the deed and entered my goto pass phrase. BaconBoobs123. I agreed to whatever the terms of service were. They say you should really read those, but fuck that. All that remained was to hit that tiny green button. My mouse floated over it. My finger tensed. Lightning struck, thunder clapped, and the AOL guy yelled out once again. “You’ve got mail!” Another message from Le Frog.
“HAWAIIANS DO NOT BLOG”
It was in caps this time so I knew he meant it. I gave the message a taste of my middle finger and went back to hit that damn green button. But then my AOL guy went off like a malfunctioning robot. Over and over again. “You’ve got mail. You’ve got mail. You’ve got mail.” That same message kept pouring in. In caps. In bold. Underlined. All of the fonts and colors. Even one in comic sans. HAWAIIANS DO NOT BLOG. I filled with rage and blocked his address with a very angry mouse click. The messages stopped, but I was furious. I decided that I would piss him off even more. I took his broken record of a message and typed it in as the name of my tumblr. A subtle message that showed I wasn’t afraid of him. A message that he would see every time I posted a triangle. A cryptic FUCK YOU of epic blog naming proportions.
I never heard from Le Frog again. I’ve blogged to my heart’s content and as of yet there are no consequences. His message lays dormant in the back of my mind. On similar stormy nights I think of him and wonder if he still has dastardly plans for me. I wonder if my defiance has yet to enact his retribution. Until then, I will live my life and blog my triangles.
Le Frog, If you are reading this, I only have one thing to say.