The Frogman
February 2011
Afternoonsnoozebutton: "Attention girls of facebook"
I would like to lay out some ground rules for taking your profile picture with a webcam. It’s totally possible to take a nice, normal picture. Exhibit A:
But, most of the time, when someone uses a webcam to take a photo, they look really dumb. Here’s 10 pointers to avoid looking like a complete idiot:
1. Back the hell up. We don’t want to see your pores
Imagine how weird it would be if you were this close in real life.
2. Don’t make weird hand gestures.
As my US history teacher said, “It means third grade, three times.”
3. Keep your damn clothes on.
Hundreds of people see your shit; there’s no way ALL of them want to see you in the buff. Dignity, people.
4. No weird expressions. You don’t look cool and spontaneous - in fact, we think you look disturbed.
Don’t judge me, I have facial deformities.
5. Absolutely no duckface.
You aren’t a lipstick model, it’s not attractive.
6. Don’t hold a wad of cash.
g3ttin monies
7. Don’t show us your tattoo. We think it’s stupid.
“idk it’s Chinese for like tomato or something”
8. Don’t black and white/sepia yourself. We have moved into the 21st century, your camera should do the same.
I’m hoping the classiness of the sepia makes up for how unclassy I really am.
9. Don’t use that Mac “colored pencil” effect. We think you look like a vampire.
You guys can’t see my acne this way, right?
10. Don’t Picnik your picture or add song lyrics to it.
We don’t think you’re deep, and we judge your taste in music.
On behalf of your facebook friends, thanks for sparing us the agony of another duckfaced Picnik’d girl in her bra holding cash while doing the west side symbol in black and white.
It's never a good sign when "holy fuck balls" is the response you have to checking your blood sugar.
Some idiot forgot to take his pills this morning.
In related news, I feel like death.
January 2011
is it ok to stick my penis into a vat of molten steel as long as they promise to inject me with SARS after
Actually, you can dip your penis into molten steel and be unharmed. First you must dip it in some water and then insert your penis into the steel briefly. It won’t hurt a bit and you don’t even need SARS after. It’s called the Leidenfrost effect.
“The Leidenfrost effect is a phenomenon in which a liquid, in near contact with a mass significantly hotter than the liquid’s boiling point, produces an insulating vapor layer which keeps that liquid from boiling rapidly.”
So feel free to give that a try.
so you have a girl/boyfriend? That's awesome man, since when?
I do have a girl/boyfriend, but she might not like it if I called her that. And since…like…a while. 7 months? We have yet to pick an official start date. Right now it’s “June-ish.” She’s very smart and pretty and I looooooove her. Or I could be making her up. But I’m not. But I could be.
But I’m not.
She doesn’t want 20,000 people knowing her bidness, so I must keep her identity secret. Buttt…how about a picture of her nostril? Would that be enough proof?
The Chive >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> my neighbor's dog's turd >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> overweight, old and single basement-dweller fatty who lives with his mom.
TheCHIVE has lots of funny stuff on its site. So it is certainly greater than a dog’s turd. But the funny stuff is used unethically at times. So it kind of turds up peoples’ good work.
As for the other stuff you were mostly right, but you have a few facts incorrect. I am indeed overweight. I don’t believe 29 is technically “old.” Unless you are a fly, and then that is crazy old. I am not single. I do reside in a basement. My mom lives upstairs. None of these things do I find embarrassing under the circumstances. Personally, I would be more embarrassed if I had such familiarity with my neighbor’s dog poop.
how do you stop procrastinating?
Ask me again later.
