Around 1999 my brother was a few years into engineering school at Rolla. I was stuck back at home with my 56k modem waiting for pictures to load line by line. His lucky butt had access to early broadband internet in his dormitory. Their T1 lines could reach blazing speeds over a megabit. It was also right around the time an interesting little application called Napster took the web by storm.
When my brother couldn’t stand to wear his shirts for a fourth time, he would drive back home for the weekend and stick his entire wardrobe in the wash. He would also deliver to me some fresh Napster contraband on a burned CD-ROM.
He got me cracked versions of Photoshop and Windows and Cakewalk. But he also gave me CDs filled with MP3s. The music selection was all over the place. He basically just copied every song his entire floor downloaded. A disc might have Nine Inch Nails, Prodigy, Bloodhound Gang, Blur, Violent Femmes, Marilyn Manson, Crash Test Dummies all mixed together. A 90s music smorgasbord crammed onto generic discs with creatively sharpie’d labels such as “mp3s” and “music1″ and “stuff.”
Somewhere in the mix was Geggy Tah. Just this song. The filename was “carsong.mp3.”
It’s such a silly song. But I loved it. I would load carsong.mp3 into Winamp and just play it on repeat. I played it so much I accidentally memorized all the lyrics. At that point, I started singing along to it. It just never got old for me.
Back then I never really thought deeply about the lyrics. Now that I’m older, I’m not sure there are deep lyrics to get. I’ve tried to find some kind of metaphor. Perhaps some mysterious subtext. But I’m pretty sure it’s just a song advocating polite driving habits.
If you play it backwards you won’t hear the voice of Satan.
There’s no hidden drug reference.
“Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds? More like lysergic acid diethylamide, amirite?”
It’s just “someone was nice to me in traffic so I wrote a song about it.”
I think it’s still a good song even without the nostalgia. I never listened to another Geggy Tah song. I don’t think I even knew they were called Geggy Tah until years later. They were just the carsong.mp3 dudes. I have no idea what happened to the band.
I did learn that the Geggy guitarist is now a powerful music producer. He has worked with Adele, Sia, Beck, Kelly Clarkson, Pink, and many others. Which sounds impressive. Though I’m just happy he wrote that funky lick that brought me so much joy in my formative years.
To the other members of Geggy Tah… all I wanna do is to thank you, even though I don’t know who you are.
I did one of these Facebook things. But Facebook did that “continue reading” bullshit and no one ever continues reading.
So, to justify the hour I took to fill this out, I am posting it here too. Feel free to reblog and do it yourself and I will read them.
Home state: Missouri, home of the Yakov Smirnoff Theater.
Farthest place you’ve traveled: OOOOOOO-klahoma. Or Detroit. Google maps says they are both about 7.5 hours away.
One has an abundance of red dirt, the other has rampant crime that forged Eminem into a misanthropic rapper.
I’ll let you sort out which is which.
(Also, St. Louis has arguably more rampant crime than Detroit and I am not a famous edgy rapper. I’ve very upset by this.)
Surgeries: 6? Hard to remember. More than I wanted. Which was 0.
One caused me to have a giant divot in my back. It used to be a hole. Like, a giant hole in my back. Think of a hole in someone’s back, and then double it. That’s how big this back hole was.
(Hole can be seen here. Warning: Imagine how gross a back hole could be, and then double it. Viewer discretion advised.)
Tattoos: 0 (I’m boring.) I would like to get my old frog avatar on my shoulder some day.
Ever hit a deer: Thankfully, no. But I did run over a turtle and it was basically the saddest moment of my life next to all the other saddest moments. I had to pull over to cry for like 10 minutes.
Rode in an ambulance: Once. The most expensive 5 miles ever traveled.
Sang Karaoke: Almost! The waiting list was too long so we left.
I have performed my own terrible music at open mics. Those poor people just wanted coffee and peace. My original folk music brought no one peace.
Check out Baby Froggie (circa 2002) playing lead guitar to folk music and sporting a chin-only goatee. Those poor, poor people.
Ice skated: Umm… rollerblades are the superior inline skate. (Yes, I grew up in the 90s.)
Rode a motorcycle: My Uncle Larry drove me around the backyard when I was little. He took me up a steep grassy hill and I almost fell off the back. I was not wearing a helmet. He was not terribly safety conscious.
Bonus Game: I want you to imagine a “Crazy Old Uncle Larry” in your mind.
Stayed in hospital: Way too many times. The nurses always got me through it. Thank you, nurses!
Nurses are amazing human beings and we don’t deserve them.
Morning or night: Mornings should not exist. Just skip to the afternoon.
#abolishmorning
Skipped class: I technically went to college for about 3 months. But I had just gotten sick so I spent all 3 months in a tiny apartment, in bed, eating frozen chicken nuggets. I’m sure those classes taught many interesting things. I just have no idea what those interesting things were.
Last phone call: I called my dad. Who is upstairs.
In my defense, if I yell, Otis barks. Then it’s just a bunch of yelling and barking.
Last text from: Katrina. It’s pretty much always Katrina.
Watched someone die:
Does that count?
*cries*
Pepsi or Coke: I hate cola. So I pick Strawberry Sprite from those soda robots at the movie theater that lets you mix flavors. Nectar of the gods.
Favorite pie: I love blueberries. So I feel like blueberry pie would be my favorite. But I’ve never been anywhere that had it. So my favorite pie is just a theory at this point. Someone feel free to make me a blueberry pie.
Favorite pizza: Angelo’s Pizza! They are this tiny family-owned place in North County St. Louis and it is super delicious. They hand make everything from scratch. They have this great thin crust and this perfect mixture of cheeses. And the toppings cover the entire pizza. You can barely see the cheese underneath. SO MANY TOPPINGS.
Also, they are older folks and don’t know how to internet very well. So this is how they posted their menu on Facebook. It’s kind of adorable, actually.
But look at how many toppings you get!
*remote control not included with pizza.
Favorite season: I like the time in between “freezing my balls off” and “sweating my balls off.” I’m not sure if that season has an official designation.
If you say “My balls are a reasonable temperature right now” you are in that season.
(If you don’t have balls, feel free to substitute any body part sensitive to temperature. Or make the balls metaphorical. Like Taserface.)
Broken bones: None. I have been very lucky. I’ve even fallen down a flight of stairs. Which somehow resulted in nothing but a bruised toe.
I made a GIF of the experience at the time.
Received a ticket: A coworker from Best Buy was chasing me on the highway. I thought he was a random crazy person and tried to speed away. He thought I was racing him so he chased me more.
Long story short, I got pulled over for doing 94 mph and he got away. I could see his dorktastic smiling face fly by as I sat on the side of the road.
I was trying to calm down as the cop approached from behind. Suddenly he banged on my trunk full force and screamed, “GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR!“
I started sobbing and he continued yelling. It was a mess.
Also, why do so many cops have that exact same mustache?
Fun Fact: That coworker was named Joe Bologna. Pronounced like this…
However, if you called him Joey Baloney he got very upset. His face would turn red and he would yell “THAT’S NOT MY FUCKING NAME!”
Yeah, he was a fun guy.
But after that night, whenever I needed to reach him over the Best Buy store intercom…
”Joey Boloney, you are needed at the memory counter. Joey Baloney to the memory counter.“
Favorite Color: Greeeeeen. Just like my guitar.
Here is another Baby Froggie (circa 2007) for your viewing pleasure.
After my folk phase, I went metal.
\m/
I just noticed that GIF says “Artists’s Simulation.” But I think it adds character so I’m not going to let it bother me.
Pictured are: Miracle on 34th St, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer tv special, Santa Claus the Movie, Nightmare before Christmas, the Santa Clause 3, and Robot Santa from Futurama.
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
Children laid in their beds knowing St. Nick was near They were bundles of joy filled with Christmas cheer
The internet was quiet, hardly a soul searched for porn
They went to sleep early, awaiting Christmas morn
Like a large, bearded burrito, I laid wrapped in my bed While visions of corgis danced in my head
But then on my roof, I heard a strange sound Like a bunch of hoof-steps and then a great pound I rose from my sleep and put on some pants I missed one of the leg-holes and did an awkward dance
I heard a loud rustling and thought it was looters With my bat’leth in hand I patrolled for intruders
I saw a dark figure who held a large sack I sneaked in behind and planned my attack I swung and I punched with all of my might But this dastardly fiend hardly put up a fight
I jabbed with my blade, he was pinned to the wall Then I realized he was no intruder at all This startling discovery gave me great pause For I had just pummeled dear old Santa Claus
I surveyed his wounds, he was out like a light There was no way he could finish his job on this night I couldn’t ruin Christmas for all the girls and boys This was my fault, so I would deliver their toys.
I got to the roof and saw Santa’s sleigh The reindeer were waiting to get underway I hopped aboard and then grabbed the reins I suddenly realized I had forgotten their names Now Steve! Now Dave! Now Lenny and John! On Pete! On Phil! On Darryl and Ron!
The sleigh did not move, and they gave me a scoff I googled their names, I was WAY off
Now Dasher!
Now Dancer!
Now Prancer and Vixen!
On Comet!
On Cupid!
On Donner and Blitzen!
The eight magic reindeer took off in a rush I hurried them on as I shouted, “Mush! Mush!” We flew ‘cross the moon and jingled our bells We flew past the ocean and its midnight swells
I slipped down chimneys and delivered the toys I ate all the cookies left by good girls and boys
Christmas was saved, and I let out a sigh If the children had known, they surely would cry
So yes, I beat up Santa, but he is doing just fine He’ll be back to normal in the nick of time The elves picked him up and treated his wounds He’s doing very well and will recover quite soon I said a jolly, “Ho ho ho!” when I heard he was alright And I shouted from on high…
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!”
EPILOGUE
Credits Pummeled Santa / Epilogue - Chris Gugliotti [webcomic | tumblr] Reindeer GIFs - Mel Roach [tumblr] E.T. Moon GIF - Sam H. [tumblr] Joy - Jamilia Jean [website]
As much as I love gadgets and thingamabobs and stuff from the Sharper Image that will break after a few weeks of use, I have come to appreciate more thoughtful gifts that may only have value to the person who receives them. And not just because they are more affordable. It really is the thought that counts.
Only when you’re older, though!
If you get a child a thoughtful gift instead of that cool robot toy with lasers and Kung Fu grip you are just mean and should be permanently placed on Santa’s naughty list. Kid’s need robots, okay?
Sorry, a little Christmas rant there.
I love Otis just the way he is. But I do sometimes get nostalgic for when he was a tiny potato. I’m glad he is grown up and doesn’t poop inside or have razor sharp puppy teeth that can split atoms. But I wish I could just turn him back into a puppy for a short time.
His paws were enormous compared to the rest of him. His ears were all floppy. And he was very, very serious. His inner goofball took a while to manifest. As a puppy he was all business all the time.
“Would you like to buy some insurance?”
Otis was a great puppy. And he is a great full grown loaf. Having him around on Christmas always makes it special.
I’m sure Chris feels the same way about Nibbles.
Look at how big those ears were! (Nibbles not Chris.)
It is my wish for all of you to have a thoughtful Christmas. I hope you get to snuggle family or friends or animals or significant others.
And by animals I mean pets. Please don’t try to snuggle a random coyote in your backyard.
And if Christmas isn’t your thing, I hope you just have a really nice day with minimal traffic and some tasty Chinese food.
I’ve decided adding appropriate audio to doggo videos is going to be my new career. I’m sure this is a viable profession that will bring me great prosperity.
Now watch some corgis jump over stuff. Sort of.
Clearly, corgis are more suited to limbo competitions.
I’m sure many have seen this. In PETA’s campaign to be the worst, they compared these phrases to racism and homophobia.
I actually think some of these phrases are weirdly cruel and maybe better ones could be used. But animals can’t actually understand them, so comparing this is just ridiculous.
Beyond that, I just thought their examples were low effort. I had the idea to come up with my own, but two problems popped up.
First, I was too slow and a giant meme about this went viral before I had a chance to finish this post. And now it seems like I’m a bit late to the party.
Second, the examples I came up with just highlighted our capitalist dystopia and are more sad than funny. I thought I’d share them anyway.
